Never Whole Again
by indraniFOREVER
Summary: Yu Namikawa, an unfortunate girl stumbles upon two revelations that will change her life. One, a note that brings dead to life, the other? read to reveal. Compeleted
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Her Revelation, His Hope (Keiji to Kibo)**

 _ **"And so lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you"- ~Psalm 39:7~**_

' _What a demon…. The mother died when she was born and now her father?' the shado_ _wy black figures whispered ominously._

' _No wonder, no wonder…. Look at her eyes, they are so ominous…'_

' _Yes… she is a demon dressed as a girl….'_

 **Gasp…..**

What a dream….

The sunlight crept inside the small room through the white curtains. A human curled under her sheets and like a snail coming out of the shell, came out of the sheets and looked up at the ceiling. Her dark eyes followed the roundabout motion of the ceiling fan and her small mouth produced a yawn. Getting up from her bed, her dainty feet touched the floor, and then the toes wrinkled in pain.

It was a horrible sight.

The feet were bruised and looked like a foot of ballerina trained for years and years; but it was only yesterday's bullying in the school, three girls standing over her delicate foot. She had treated her feet with bandages and ointment, but the pain wasn't budging. She looked at her hand, scraped, inflamed and bloody; it was squeezed beneath someone's feet. Her hand traced at her neck, her gorgeous black locks were brutally chopped off asymmetrically with garden scissors. Swallowing the pain, she went to her desk, and looked at a single letter, being displayed from a cutting of yellowed newspaper, 'L' written in cloister black.

'I promise, today will be a good day, L…. Wish me luck.'

She isn't an impressive person; I mean what kind of girl lets herself to be bullied like this? She was meek, passive and weak and she knew it, but she couldn't bring herself to hurt others. She was quiet soft-spoken and mellow, despite her name being 'Yu', written with the kanji 'Courage', and she was like a dam herself in the River of Tears in her life, 'Namikawa', river of tears…. Her surname was true to her life, her mother had died during her labour, and driven by that sorrow, her father became excessively abusive towards her own daughter and alcohol took his life when Yu was fourteen. His large endowment was the only benevolent thing he had ever done to Yu. She was now a High school Second Year, and her only hope was this letter: 'L'.

When the world was supporting Kira, the God of the new world, Yu stood alone. The death of her father and her mother made her believe that God was no good; he kills everyone regardless what they had done. Killing off criminals was another act he portrayed to cover up his tyranny; too much atheists were showing up, and God fears them more than ever…. That's what she had thought. To say clearly, that earned made her a severe target of bullying.

 _Huh…. What are you now; you think he can't see you from here?_

 _Let's give her a good beating on behalf of Kira…._

She had always thought if God is just, then why nobody stopped when her mother was dying, when her father beat her everyday… she just wanted someone who could do real justice….

It wasn't Kira… the God…. She didn't believe in God, it was L….

Whoever he was, he recognised Kira for his real self, as a murderer, and nothing more. She listened to news every day; she listened to the encrypted voice of this 'L', and became fascinated every day. He was correct to make assumptions and everything and he was silent and shadowy, not wanting to show his face, and that's how justice should be. Silent, economic and invisible….. If something is right then it needs no flash or glamour.

People laughed at her hair, it was short, almost pixie-like at one side, collar-bone length on the other. Yet, it couldn't mar her natural fresh beauty. The bruises on her hand were bloody against her smooth ivory skin. Her demure and pale lips, her sharp nose, her dark deep set eyes were full of innocence. She was delicate and petite as she walked in her school uniform through the street. She stood still as the bus that goes to her school came.

It was bustling as usual, and Yu budged in a corner and she was shoulder to shoulder to an old man. Yu was quiet surprised that even in such an environment, that old man managed to keep his hat on. Suddenly the Bus gave an ominous jerk, and the old man came thrashing on Yu's shoulder.

'Daijoubu…. Oji-san?' Yu straightened him up 'are you hurt anywhere? Do you want to sit?' she asked, and kept her eyes on the old man.

'No, No…. please don't worry young lady….' That old man said, adjusting his hat, as if cautious to show his face, 'this bus just gave a nasty jerk….. Are you not hurt…? I am quiet worried to have felled on such a tiny little girl' the old man had a very refined way of speaking and had a very comforting voice.

'Be careful girly…..' a nearby middle-age man warned Yu, 'he could be a pervert….'

'Oji-san…..' Yu addressed the other man 'I know the difference between a pervert and a gentleman…. ' she looked at his face and firmly said 'a pervert would try to take advantage of me, and as I look at him, he was barely asking me if I was alright…..' Yu turned to the old man 'Do not worry oji-san… I am quiet fine….' And with a demureness and forceful smile she said 'I am quite strong you see!'

'Oh…. It's nearly my stop…..' that old man said after a lot of fidgeting, while looking through the forest of people to the bus window 'Thank you for the help little girl….' The old man descended from the bus. But as he went away, Yu noticed that from his bag or briefcase, he dropped a white notebook.

'Sir…. Sir….' Yu called from the bus 'You dropped something…..'

The man didn't seem to hear Yu at all…. And the bus started to move again…. Yu, without thinking, cut through the crowd of the bus and jumped from the bus. 'Sir….. Sir…' she picked up the notebook and started to run after the old man, who didn't seem to notice her. Yu was continuously chasing him, throughout three blocks, but the old man was vigorously walking away, as if avoiding Yu's voice. Suddenly Yu had to halt stop before the signal and there she had completely lost that old man.

'What to do….. It must be very important to the man… ' Yu said to herself, started to walk away from the place.

….

'What? You must be joking….. We can't have people follow around for a notebook, young lady?' a police officer sarcastically said to Yu, 'people come here for murder or robbery….'

Yu hung her head and mumbled 'where should I go…. The man must be seeking his notebook….' _And L would have done the same thing….._

Seeing her down face, the police officer softened…. 'Look here little girl, why don't you give up, it's just another notebook… nobody misses a notebook…. If you _really_ insist' he fidgeted 'I could take down a report…. Of a _Lost notebook,_ and you can leave your identification and address, and we'll notify you if someone comes it seeking….'

'Thank you…..' Yu was getting up, and the police officer stopped him 'wait… wait….' He looked as if he suppressed laughter 'take the note with you….' He handed her the notebook. Yu walked away and clearly heard the policeman saying 'weirdos this days…..'

Yu had nothing to do, and it was too late for school too, so she decided to go home and wait until the man comes looking for the note. She placed the bag in its usual place, and looked at the letter of the newspaper cutting, _L…._ as if silently complaining to him about what happened today. She thought that after the Kira incident the police had transformed, but it is still in its stagnant place. _Should I support Kira now, and condemn you for banishing him? It is a hard choice. I have every reason to support him, but I don't know why I don't….._

Yu slumped on her bed, thinking about the old man who left the notebook. The white curtains were now orange with the dropping of the daylight, and the diagonal orange ray was glowing on the white notebook that rested on the table near the window. She watched carefully as the last ray was seeped out of the sky and turned purple. Turning on the lights in her room, she freshened up and took out the bento box she hadn't eaten today. Eating with the left hand, she started to read the physics homework. Concentrating on the paper, she tried to reach for the glass of water, and with a slight touch of her elbow, the glass toppled, and toppled over the pristine white notebook.

 _As if it wanted to fall over the notebook_

Yu attempted to brush off the water and opened the notebook to see if it had soaked anything or not, but as she flipped through, she saw that the notebook was completely blank….

 _Completely and entirely…. Blank_

What the….. Yu was puzzled and didn't know what to think…. This would have been solved in a jiffy if L was here…. But then as she skimmed through the pages and shut it close, she saw black creeping formation was condensing at the top of the white cover…. It looked like, some uneven writing with the brush, _like a rough calligraphy…._

 _Life Note…._

Yu knew that she was not hallucinating and these words weren't there back then. 'Life Note'…. Was it someone's bucket list that was undone…? She turned the cover and inside there were instructions.

 _ **Life Note**_ _,_ subtitled with _**How to use it**_

 _ **. It shall give any life (or will to live) back, whose name is written upon it. Being said it works on both dead and living.**_

 _ **. The person, who is intended to give life, must be given a purpose to carry on their lives. Without purpose every life is meaningless.**_

 _ **. The person intended to be resurrected must not be dead for more than a year**_

 _ **. To bring back one's life, or will to live, their name should be written while remembering the faces. If not face, then the happiest memory for the living and remembering the final resting place for the dead will also work.**_

 _ **. Life Note is unable to reverse any death that has been caused by old age or terrible disease, as the weak body cannot contain the soul anymore. It cannot reverse the death of a person who had used Death Note in their lifetime. They are unholy souls and barred from entering any realm, where man, demons or divine beings reside**_

 _ **. For every life this note returns in a dead, the owner of the note has to sacrifice three years from his/her lifespan.**_

 _ **. Only the pure of heart can write, read or see a Life Note. To others it will look as an ordinary white notebook.**_

 _ **. Life Note can only be destroyed by the death of its current owner. To possess a Life Note while its owner is still alive, one must acquire it by the very will of the present owner.**_

 _ **. Resurrecting a dead person, whom Life Note forbids to resurrect, will be on the price of the Life Note owner's own life.**_

 _ **. Life Note is a sacred object, and any violation of the note, such as tearing pages, writing on torn pieces of paper shall be severely punished.**_

And at the bottom of the page, in slightly big words, it was inscribed:

 _ **Every Life is sacred and worth saving**_

And then,

 _ **Use it Well…**_

Yu inspected the note and its instructions again and again, and heaved a sigh.

'Guess mom and dad are out of the question….'

It's Yu's optimism that prevents her blaming her dad for his ill behaviour; even she thought that she was the reason her mother died, she thought if both of them lived then everything would have been happier. Yu didn't know how her mother was; her father destroyed every photograph of her. Perhaps this was the first time she felt a little down. The thing which will be accepted with tears of happiness by many, the Life Note, seemed pointless to her, as it reminded her, what she could never have.

She looked at the 'L' at the wall, and her eyes welled up with water, and they fell on the table top, she felt that the dam in 'Namikawa' was cracking, she hold still. A little hope, even it was destroyed. This was a big lie; God had played her again.

She sunk her head in her elbows on the table top. She didn't know how much time was gone and suddenly a bitter cry of anguish came from the road. Yu raised her head and her heart echoed the noise just heard.

It was a five year old boy in the neighbourhood whom Yu adored the most. He was lying on the street, bloodied, shivering in pain, while a drunkard had just run him over. His mother was crying over his body, but the way he was injured, Yu knew he would not make it till hospital, and soon the shiver in his body stopped and his head plopped on the side.

Yu could not take any longer, if this is a lie so be it, if it is true then it has to prove itself. She took out her Life Note and wrote the boy's name, and his beautiful face when he smiled at Yu

 _Arata Hajime_

' _Live Arata-kun, and grow up to be the best doctor you had always dreamt of_ '

Keeping the notebook and kept her eye on the blinds, miraculously she saw the blood in his body seem to be disappearing, the crack was healing as the mother of the boy and everyone around him looked, the little chest was filled with breath and he jumped from her mother's arms, as if electrified.

It was too much for Yu to take on. She would have doubted the note if it killed anyone in a heartbeat, but giving life, in such a dramatic manner, where the blood, injury everything was vanished within moments was too much of a coincidence. Yu turned her back to the wall, and sunk on the floor. Her eyes flooding with tears and she didn't know what kind of tear it was, but she did know one thing….. The joy of life is greater than the doubt of existence.

…

 **(Extended ending)**

A torn wind blew across the cemetery in the night, heaving sighs again and again on a tomb with a single name 'Ryuzaki', blowing all the candles that were burning near the grave. Misa Amane's black Lolita cap fell on the ground and her bright red shinigami eyes glowed, but she could see nothing but darkness. She knew the ones she loved and considered friend were damned for eternity, and one day, she will be too….


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Her Dream, His Start (Yume to Josho)**

 ** _"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of_** times, ** _if one only remembers to turn on the light"- ~Albus Dumbledore~_**

Yu stayed wide awake all night, sitting near the window, remaining her position where she had saw Arata Hajime being resurrected. 'Arata Hajime', _a fresh start,_ as the name means. If Yu is to juxtapose her name with the boy's, it stands as 'Courage in the River of Tears' (Yu Namikawa) will have a 'Fresh start' (Arata Hajime). Was it a fresh start for her? She had every misfortune one could have, yet was there any hope of fresh start? She had always thought she had nothing left; she will live and die like a stone, unnoticed by the world. But it is the only hope, then she will hold onto it and never let go….

L's voice ringed in her ears

 _I am justice…._

…..

(Two months later)

When her eyes opened, it was already dawn, and like the reflex action her eyes roamed towards the wall, where the letter 'L' was being displayed from the cutting of newspaper. Today was Thursday and she had classes early. She got up on her feet and checked the phone…. _July 7_ _th_ _….._ Her birthday and her mother's death day. July 7th was an important day for her not for her birthday or her mother's death day, it was also the day when her dad took out his imported Italian leather belt to whip her up, it was the day when her dad got the most drunk, it was the day when she was reminded every year that she has no right to live…. Yet every year, death seemed to ignore her dad's requests. Yu's hands roamed at the back and she felt the lashes that engraved in her healed skin. It was odd, but she missed her dad today…. Especially today…. As she smiled sadly, what a scary thing habit was.

It was time to stand up again, and go to school, then she would visit the graves later. School was also a tiring place. Apart from the teachers nobody did really talk to her, or behaved well with her, and she had to put up with it. She was a punch-bag for others.

It was quiet uneventful the way she walked into her school, and the moment she put her bag in her desk, three bulky looking girls came in front of her, crackling their knuckles.

''ey, sup? Look shrimp came back…..' a girl said. 'Where is my homework bitch?'

Yu sat her head hung, but she replied firmly 'You didn't say the day before when you were stepping on my hand….'

Yu was surprised by herself, this is the first time she spoke for herself. Make no mistake! She is not a whimpering creature scared of bullies, in fact, after her dad, nobody scared her anymore…. She liked being bullied; it was a way of self punishment for the pain she caused her father for taking her mother's life by coming out of her womb. But today an odd strength filled her, as if she refused to be bullied anymore, and she remembers the way she told off that man for accusing the old man in the bus for being a pervert. As if she found a wall against her back, supporting her.

'What did you say?' that girl said, and forced Yu to look at her.

The moment their eyes connected Yu could see something that was beyond the lethal blue eyes of that girl, _she could see a little girl, ignored by everyone in the playground, playing alone in her home while her mom dressed herself up and meet up with different men every week, then that little girl murdering her mom, fearfully regretting, but they didn't listen….. She ended up in juvie hall…_

 _Was she seeing inside the girl's mind?_

It's a miracle…. As if she was a psychic, no clairvoyant….

 _It's time to check this through…._

'I am sorry….. I didn't know your mom is no more…. _'_ Yu blurted out and had a punch flying on her face. The girl, who was punching her, had an outburst like an angry animal and some tears of anger splashed out of her face. In the interval between two punches, Yu opened her mouth again, not afraid that she might break a tooth or have a black eye.

'Everybody makes a mistake… everybody bruises…. You are not alone…. You don't need to fight it.'

'WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ME, LITTLE BITCH….. DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY MOM…..' another punch came flying but couldn't land on her

'Enough to know, what hurts you….'

The girl could not land the punch on Yu, her hands trembled and shook and then plopped at the side. She hung her head and sank on the ground, tears of anger has now transmuted to tears of sorrow, Yu rose from the ground and hold her hands between her and squeezed inside her hands. 'I am so sorry….. I didn't mean to say all those things-'

'stop-'

'What-'

'Just stop….. Stop, I don't want to take your advice….' That girl growled under her breath, 'it was their entire fault…. All their fault…. I did not kill my mom…. I tried to save myself from that man, and I ended up stabbing my mom…. I didn't mean to-'

'Why didn't you say so?' Yu asked, trying to look at the girl.

'I…. I was scared-'

'The only thing you did wrong was not telling that it wasn't your fault…..' Yu said, 'You think you are the only one that suffered this way? I know that going to juvie is not something you can forget easily, people will remind you what you did wrong, people will condescend you, people will be mean to you…..' Yu looked at her with determination 'but they don't know you…. They weren't there when you were lonely….. Look at me….'

Yu lifted up her shirt and turned back and earned a huge gasp from the class, and the girls' eye widened to see the healed lash-marks on Yu's back.

'My mother passed away during labour and I was accused everyday by my dad. In every death day, he used to lash me up with his spiked belt until I bled and bled and these bloods haven't dried up yet….. ' Yu stood up straight 'you might not be interested in my story, but listen to this…. Nothing is worse than your own turning into your worst enemies, but a mere, weak, passive girl like me, still stands here…. Quiet and still, then who says that you have to live torturing others? I have seen what animals they become….' Yu sat down. 'It is always time to let go of the past….'

'How…? Just how?'

'You have such beautiful blue eyes….. Try seeing the future than the past'

….

Yu's heart was relieved although she had a black eye. That girl, who had bullied her so far, nursed her, cried with her, wished her happy birthday and paid condolences for her mother. It was odd that Yu received the most comfort from a girl who had bullied her for so long. It was nearly afternoon and now she was going to the cemetery to visit her mother and father.

She looked at the headstone of her mother, a gothic cross in gray stone, in where the grim epitaph was engraved: _La Belle Dame Sans Merci,_ (The Beautiful Lady without Mercy). Yu could easily envision a handsome young man, lying on the grave, flooding the grave with river of tears; yes Yu's father was much too handsome and possessive, sharp, tall and dark haired, the pain of his life was the death of his wife 'Mamoru', Kenichi, Yu's father, never once looked at another woman in his life, for that Yu could always forgive him….. He saw Mamoru too much in Yu, which he couldn't stand.

She laid the lilies on her mother's grave, and looked at the cross. _Oka-san today is my birthday….. I always wanted you by my side, but you weren't there…. Tell me, are you happy sleeping here alone, are you happy after knowing that dad died the same day you did and I had to live with a monster for fourteen years? Every time he beat me, I thought that if I hurt him back, you'll be hurt…. So I kept my silence, but today I think that if I stopped him, scolded him, took care of him, then he would still be living today…. He gave his life for nothing…._

'You gave your life for nothing…..' Yu turned her head to the neighbouring soft voice.

It was a blond gothic-lolita dressed woman, crouching over a cross, laying a strawberry cake and some white roses over the grave. Yu looked at the profile, and she seemed quite familiar, as her profile was turned more towards the right, where Yu was sitting, and she understood quickly…

'Misa-Misa…..' she gasped…

Misa Amane looked at Yu and Yu looked at Misa Amane…. Red against Black, _again…. Again those visions wait…. Why her memories are stained with blood and why I cannot see the man she adores the most…. Wait who is crouching next to her and next to the man she adores…. Why these two people are shadowy…. Wait…. What I saw now?_

 _A black notebook that kills anyone whose name is written on it?_

 _Such a thing can exist?_

 _What are those demonic things? Shinigami? Gods of Death?_

The vision ended, she was pretty sure that she has encountered someone whom her note brands as 'unholy'

'Who are you…..' a seething fear came out of you…. 'You cannot be a human….'

Misa Amane was taken aback at that reaction, however as an entertainer, she recovered quickly and retorted to her, 'what the hell…. Do you think you can creep me out by telling _you are not human…?_ Can't place a flower in peace for god-'

Misa's tongue was stopped and Yu looked calmly at her, 'tell me who you are…. I know everything about you demon….. Tell me who you are….' Again, Yu was surprised by her tone. It was incredibly rude telling someone like that, but the moment she looked in her eyes and all those fearful things an odd power was aroused in her, anyone who can kill at will is a demon…. Regardless what they are… they are sick….

'What do you know about me….?' A challenge was sparred towards Yu.

They looked at each other. A blonde black-clad Lolita, standing against a black haired girl, dressed in cream summer dress, Black eyes looked resolute and gleaming, while the reds looked confused, alarmed and scared.

 _Life against Death_

 _Human steadfastness against Shinigami's glare_

'How many lives your black notebook had taken?'

Misa was startled; this girl looked as if she pierced through her soul…. _How nostalgic, just like the old days, when everyone was around…. Light, L, Matsuda, Mogi, everyone…. She kind of reminded her of Ryuzaki…._

'Answer me….. Misa Amane…. Are you Kira….'

" _ **Does this mean that you admit to be the second Kira…?"**_ _Oh how this girl was so similar to Ryuzaki!_

'Did you kill all those people?'

'Yes, Yes I DID ALRIGHT NOW STOP BADGERING ME…..' Misa Amane tried to walk away but Yu kept following her, dying out of curiosity that was bubbling inside her, why would she kill so many people? Was it because they weren't the fans of her? Wait…. She was also never a fan, she doesn't like her style… well maybe they were spreading rumours about her…. No that would be too suspicious. Then it might have been some serious wrongdoing in a personal level… but how many people you can kill based on personal reason…. Then….

'Let me rephrase…. Were you forced to kill them?'

'Do you not know the idea of personal space? I will sue you for accusing me as Kira, and following me like a pervert and I will also charge you-'

'Why did you do that?'

Misa stopped dead. Her shoulder shook, she was cracking with Yu's compassionate tone. _Finally, someone willing to listen to her, even Light, whom she loved the most, did not ever listened to her…. She was a stupid hoe to L, tissue to Light, dumb voyeuristic figure for Matsuda, annoyance to Mr. Yagami and rest of the task force, and 'Misa-Misa' to the rest of the world…. No one after Rem had ever cared for her ever wanted to listen to what burden she carried in her heart….. She missed her only best friend, the shinigami who gave up her life for Misa…._

'Funny…. You remind me of my Shinigami….' Misa mused, 'and no, I wasn't forced, I voluntarily killed all those people, but how did you know-'

'You have your ways, I have mine' Yu was startled by her own answer, as if she did not utter it; someone else did, using her lips.

'He made me do it…. I thought he would love me, but after he died, I realised he never did…. And now I have no future, my soul will be damned…. I have lost everything….. I have lost myself…. I cannot smile anymore…..'

Yu stood still and let her talk; she was curious, painful and intrigued how a simple instrument of death can change people, of course she could feel the instrument of life changing her heart, before having it, she always wanted to help the unfortunate but was afraid of people judging her or condescending her as naïve, taking advantage of her, but as one month passed she felt that those fears were replaced with courage, she would not care anymore what other people think of her….she just wanted to do good to them.

'Who is he?'

'Light Yagami…. The boy I loved….. He wielded the first death note and was the first Kira…. He was captured by the detective called "N"…. and killed by the god of death Ryuk.'

 _N….. Wasn't it L who captured and solved the Kira case?_

'You said you did it out of the love for him, and as the world knows, Kira was delivering justice, did you also believed in that?'

'At first, I thought I thought I did believe in Justice, but then when I met Light, my faith changed…. I was ready to kill anyone if Light wanted, I was ready to give all up, if Light wanted… in the end, I was a puppet in his hands…. I was too blinded by his beauty…. I am tired, so tired' Misa collapsed near the grave she laid the cake, and Yu held her with swift motion.

'Get a hold of yourself….' Yu sat on the pavement, with her hand behind Misa. 'It's alright….. I am with you…. I got you…'

'Aren't you afraid of me? You said that I was Kira, aren't you afraid that I am going to kill you?' Misa asked Yu hopelessly.

'You might, it's called Free Will…. But what would you gain killing me?' Yu pathetically said. 'Unlike you, I am kind of un-pretty, got nobody to care for me perhaps nobody even notice I exist…' Yu said to her and Misa looked at her with glowing red eyes… 'I came here today for praying my mom who died giving birth to me, and her poor husband whose only pleasure was beating me and reminding every reason why I shouldn't be alive…. I think the reapers must be deaf and God a dumb person, because instead of me, he ended up dying….'

'Don't say things so easily-' Misa threateningly restrains her, and calms down 'my parents were murdered and all I looked for was revenge…. It was natural for me, but getting treated like that by your own father…. Unforgivable…. He deserved his death and you deserve to be alive-'

'That's the philosophy I don't agree with, Amane-san' Yu answered calmly 'he wasn't my father…. He was a monster, the right thing to do was to make him let go of his past, and move on with his life, I failed and he died…. It is I, who killed my parents….' Yu protested.

'I am jealous of you…. You forgive so easily… see it's a brilliant idea, forgiveness, until you have something to forgive' Misa sadly remarked, 'now I regret everything in my life…. I wish I would have met you before I met Light…. I would have been a better position right now…. Forgiving the one who killed my parent-'

'No…. forgiving a crime is as bad as committing it, but you shouldn't take person's life based on personal vendetta either…. That is egotism and when it gets heavier, it kills the man itself…. Trust me, I have seen one' Yu was painfully reminded of her dad.

'I feel so better now….. ' Misa looked at the sky, it was bruised purple after the last bloodshed of the setting sun, she fondly glanced at Yu, then the grave with the cake, 'See her Ryuzaki….. You would have been proud meeting her, but there is no chance for that now is it?' she looked sadly at Yu for the last time, 'goodbye…. It was nice meeting you'. A sudden pain crossed across Yu's heart as if it was the last time she will see Misa Amane ever, she left a pain that as if she won't meet again with Yu even after all is finished.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Her Choice, His Destiny (Sentaku to Unmei)**

 _ **"Be with me always, take any form, drive me mad, only do not leave me in the abyss where I cannot find you" ~Wuthering Heights~**_

Two weeks passed until Yu saw Misa Amane, there was no TV shows or variety shows, magazines or album where she could see Misa's face. Yu wanted to see her and wanted to talk to her, she felt that she could unburden her heart. Upon looking at Misa Amane, she could clearly see the shadow of death hovering over; like the same shadow she saw over Kenichi at her last birthday with him…. Hopelessness, futility and withdrawal…. Those all make up the shadow of death. Everyday Yu worried about her and kept writing names on her Life note….

 _Katsuhiko Nakanishi_

 _Kim Eun jin_

 _Fumiko Shimakura_

 _Daiki Fuse_

 _Sawako Kuroda_

 _Mameha Ise_

 _Wataru Ayase_

 _Mio Sumeragi_

 _Ume Wataya_

 _Haru Kirishima_

 _Yuusuke Tanaka_

And she forgot to count how many years she had lost giving all those lives back. This was a voluntary suicide. She will continue to save lives until she has no days to live. It was her chance to empty all the time in her life account, when the balance hit zero, she will die.

Until that day…..

 _ **July 14th**_

Yu was returning home from school, bustling and sweating. The humidity top the charts, monsoon will hit soon within a week or two. The bag on her shoulder was especially heavy today, bulking with all those books on _applied psychology_ and stuff, she decided to do a bit of light reading to understand her subjects' mental conditions, like why people start to take drugs or abuse people, the root cause of sadism and masochism, more and more…. And the more she read, the more on-point was her delivering purpose to each of her subjects, but Misa's condition never left her mind, upon her theory she lost her purpose of life the time with her parents' death and ensnared herself in a toxic situation knowing that it may cause her losing life, _negligent suicide,_

 _Just like her_

'Yu Namikawa-san?'

A male voice called from her back and she turned around. It was man no doubt, with medium length dark hair, good natured face with a light shadow of pessimism and an ambiguous smile torn between sadness and courtesy.

'Hai…. I am Yu Namikawa, but I don't recall meeting you anywhere…..'

That man bowed to Yu and straightened up, 'ie…. I am Touta Matsuda, from NPA….'

'NPA…. The police?'

'Yes…. And I… have something for you….eh, you see, it's from Misa Amane, the idol….' Matsuda took out a bulky pink envelope and handed out to her, 'she urged that it should be delivered to you…. See, she has passed away at July 7th 11:59 pm' He hesitated and gave it out to Yu.

Her hands shook while taking it, _passed away…._

'What do you mean by "passed away", was there any catastrophe, like accident or something worse-' Yu's voice cracked despite she hold her calm.

'No… natural death, like the soul departing from the body….. ' Matsuda hung his head.

'Matsuda-san….. Why don't you come inside? It's getting dark…'

….

'I am so sorry to have bothered you with such news…. It's still not out in the media, so we suggest-' Mastuda took a sip to the tea Yu just brought.

'Don't worry about it…. I am not that scoopy-sort….' Yu sat down at Matsuda's opposite and looked at him, now with the bright LED light, his eyes looked swollen and tear-marks on his cheeks looked more prominent, _he had been crying._

'Were you her boyfriend?' Yu asked compassionately.

'No, but I did served her a manager for some time, during the Kira case-' saying that Matsuda looked terribly uncomfortable, but Yu smiled at him 'it's alright, Misa already told me that she was a suspect in Kira case, so you don't have to worry… and if you are thinking you have said too much, then you can stop, I won't try to fish out….' Yu comforted him.

'The night she died, she called me and prepared this for you…. The envelope and she insisted that I should be the one to give, but she mentioned no name and no address but only said about someone 'Mamoru Namikawa' buried in Kanto Diocese Cemetery and mentioned her epitaph so that I could identify her daughter….. It took me one week to get that to you….. I wish she could know your name-'tears started coming out of his eyes.

'I am thankful that you brought that to me…. ' Yu got up, and so did Matsuda, they bowed to each other and Matsuda left without another word.

Yu looked at the slightly bulky pink envelope, her hand shook again to take it from the tea table; _the dam in the river of tears was cracking again…._ Damn it, damn it, damn it….. She said she felt better… _why did she have to die?_

Yu ran to her room, slammed the door shut and sunk against the floor, clutching that envelope to her chest, the close connection of paper with her skin make her dam shaking with seismic fierceness. After perhaps millennia, when her senses started to come back, she took a deep breath inside, _just like the old times when her dad was exhausted beating her up,_ and crawled towards her desk. She turned on the study lamp and managed to sit over her chair and gently opened the envelope, she found three a4 sized-ruled pages, in which Misa's last message was inscribed.

 _ **Bochi kara no hito e (to the person from the graveyard).**_

 _ **The time Matsu takes this to you, I'll already be dead, your mother's name was such beauty, and I wish what was yours….**_

'It's Yu, Amane-san…. Yu Namikawa…' Yu noted that the name 'Matsu' and her mother's name was written differently, cut and pasted from another paper.

 _ **That day, when I met you, I felt really happy, relieved and content, but sad at the same time, as I didn't even had 12 hours to live; yes… I knew the death was coming after me. My lifespan was shortened by the god of death when used the black notebook and traded for the Shinigami eyes, my blood red-eyes, to see the names and lifespan of the criminals I and Light had to kill. You may ask if I had those eyes why didn't I see your name in the first place, let me tell you.**_

 _ **I think you have a 'Life Note'; it is the exact opposite of 'Death Note', which I had: now I think of it, they are like angel and devil side by side. I had a shinigami, surely you saw that with your eyes when you were inside my mind; that shinigami's name was Rem. Rem once told me about the 'Life Note'- of course I asked her if it existed, she said that it was a myth created by the heaven to stop the reapers killing unjustly. The myth said that if one possesses Life Note, the person will be untouchable by the reapers and the 'Death Note' users, as even with their eyes they will see neither the lifespan nor the name of the owner. When I saw you, I could neither see your name or lifespan for that reason.**_

 _ **Unlike my kind of note which surrounds the owner with agony and misery, the constant usage of Life Note enhances the best mental attribute of the owner: your sense of empathy must have been quite strong and that's why you are able to see inside the minds of people and know what will make them feel the best. If I had that kind of note, I would have brought my family back and never would have met Light and lived a happy life, but sadly it isn't possible.**_

 _ **I must ask you not to resurrect me, even if I come back, I have no reason to live for, I am ashamed of what I did, and after my death I will be barred from heaven, earth and hell. Many people have died for me, including two reapers, three task force members and the ones I regret the most for killing, Watari and Ryuzaki….**_

 _ **The one I was visiting the day I met you was Ryuzaki, he was the head of the investigation of the Kira case, he almost caught me and Light but as Light instructed Rem to kill him he dropped dead and so did his guardian and butler Watari; I know all they did was for justice, but at that time, all I could think of was Light. I almost heaved a sigh when I saw him alive the day police caught Light, but I shivered at his method of saving his neck. He himself used the death note to kill himself after 23 days under the name 'L Lawliet' so that he could catch Light off guard-**_

 _ **.**_

 _ **.**_

 _ **.**_

 _ **.**_

The letter slid off from the table. Yu felt the room was coming towards her, grasping her tiny body into their claustrophobic walls- her chest was painful-air…. Air… she needs to breathe…. Her sides were painfully squeezed inside as if she was in a whalebone corset and it is fastening itself to death, she collapsed on the ground…. _A heart attack? Kira is trying to kill her…. No, she owns a Life Note and therefore she is immune to reapers and death note…._ She clutched her chest, her nails dug in but no matter how hard she tried, she could not take in air…..

 _What's the matter with me? Am I dying? Why am I dying? What's wrong with me…. Why am I feeling my heart is being ripped out…. What is this physical pain…._

With the stray wind, Misa's letter flew to her, with the last sentence Yu has read-

 _ **He himself used the death note to kill himself after 23 days under the name 'L Lawliet'….**_

 _L was…. Dead…._

 _L isn't alive…._

 _All this time…. He was dead…._

 _And he used the death note…._

 _And he was now barred from heaven and hell and earth…._

Her tears weren't coming, she was catatonic and scared and as painful as someone has sparred her through the heart and belly, she couldn't cry, she felt 14 years of abuse in a single time, digging in her skin, fiery hot iron being forced down her throat but her experiences made her too strong to pass out, she tried to stand up but fell head over heels or the tatami mats, scraping herself in the elbow and forehead and knee, she was now getting desperate, she crawled to her desk, looked at the Life Note with bitter anguish…..

'You….. Useless….' Yu fisted the note 'futile…. Piece of paper….. After giving me so much hope…. You have to frustrate it this way… LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE STUPID NOTE….. IF IT WASN'T YOU I WOULDN'T HAVE READ MISA AMANE'S MEMORIES, AND SHE WOULDN'T HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT L'S DEATH, AND I WOULD ALWAYS HAVE HIM IN MY HEART…..' Yu punched against the hard over of the Life Note, no dent on the note was seen but Yu's knuckle scraped, she was angry and fearfully she could feel that her father's spirit possessed her, _same bitterness, same hopelessness, same anger….._

'Bring him back…..' Yu coldly flicked the notebook and grabbed the pen from the table, uncapped it, and slurred under her breath in a frenzied manner 'bring him back…. Bring him back….. BRING HIM BACK….. EVEN IF IT COSTS MY LIFE…..'

Her eyes were bloodshot, her mouth twisted in sorrow and maddening despair and the hair in her neck stood up in anger, she was feverish… she was beside herself…. She kept writing the same name over and over again…. Remembering painfully the grave that lay beside her mother's.

 _L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet… L Lawliet…_

And finally she wrote the purpose…

 _This isn't the end; this cannot be your end…. The world needs your justice_

She wrote it until her body gave out of all mental exhaustion…. She lost consciousness and plopped against the notebook.

As Yu lay against the notebook with her forehead scraped, the wound in her forehead dripped over the name she had written so impulsively, _L Lawliet…_ the name was now coroneted with three drops of Yu's blood. As soon as the blood touched the writing, it glowed pale blue and the blood marks vanished instantly.

 **Extended ending**

The night wind was strong… the clouds growled in the sky, it will soon rain. A swift whirl of wind circled around the tomb with withered roses and materialised as a hideous looking figure; it was crouching, it was dark and it had wings on its back, and it was gigantic.

'Well now L, looks like somebody had requested for your life….' It cackled 'it would have been interesting though if Raito had came back and had apples with him…. Gosh I miss that kid!' it dipped its hand deep in the bosom of the earth and after withdrawing it 'well….. Good luck' and after a cold unearthly laugh it flew in the night sky against the thunder, musing the infamous lines….

 _Tadashi wa kitanai, Kitanai wa Tadashi_

 _Kiri to kitanai kūki o kayotte tadayoi_

 _(Fair is foul and foul is fair_

 _Hover through the fog and filthy air)_

The demonic apparition dissolved with the first crack of lightning in the west sky, and with the ray of thunder, in the silent graveyard, a mud-smeared hand emerged deep from the earth, it shook a little and with a cry of shock beneath the ground, followed by the rattle of thunder, the hand extended itself towards the heaven.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Her Wish, His Life (Negai to Seikatsu)**

 _ **"She saw beauty in his darkness, he saw darkness in her beauty"- ~unknown~**_

Yu woke up with the crack of lightning. She startled, shivered and then curled like she was in a shell, and like every day, her glance drove back to the letter 'L', but unlike any other day, she tore her eyes off the letter as she remembered suddenly what happened last night and the wish was futile. She didn't want to go through the same again. She looked at the wall clock and it depicted a strange time…

 _3 o clock_

Strange…. Despite the rain and thunder, it was clearly bright enough for 3 in the morning…. Wait, was it 3 in the afternoon, most unlikely. The east window was brighter and the door was shadowy… so it was morning… let's check the cellphone:

 _3:00, Sunday July 15th_

What about the clock in the hallway…. The kitchen… the study…. Her wristwatch….

Every clock in her house was stopped in 3 am in the morning….

What in the world….

Now she has to get out in a thundering monsoon to get some batteries….

….

'Senpai…. Give me twelve pencil batteries for clock…' Yu called out the young shop assistant; his name was Yuusuke Tanaka, his name was written in Yu's notebook. He went suicidal after his girlfriend broke up with him, after Yu wrote his name with a purpose that he might get accepted in Tokyo University and be an engineer that he always wanted.

'Aiyo…. Here you go, Yu-chan, oi what's up?' Yuusuke looked at her with weird face and Yu laughed, 'what to say, every clock just stopped at 3 in the morning…. By the way, what's the time now?'

'12:24…. 3 you say…. ' Yuusuke made a creepy face, 'like the Conjuring movie?'

'As if!' Yu replied shortly and paid the money, 'okay…. Thank you'

Yu walked out of the shop. The outside are seemed so blurred gray with rain that it was hard to say whether it was on the ground or underwater. Although Yu had her rain-boots, raincoat and umbrella, walking in such a furious rain was almost impossible through the main street…. _maybe I should take the by-lane near the cemetery… will take a bit long, but I won't be under constant threat that I will be hurled by a truck or something…_

Although it was afternoon, the sky looked like after sunset, dark twilight gray, and with the constant rain, the tombs looked quite spooky. Yu could feel that she was almost out of the cemetery as she could see the road that goes straight to her house; all she have to do now is to cross the road and head for home-

' _Excuse me….._ ' a flat yet soothing voice called from behind. Yu turned back but could see nothing but gray dripping needles. She scrunched her eyes as she could see a moving shadow that formed almost a silhouette of a human. As the shadow came forward, Yu's eyes widened.

'ARGH….'

With a cry of fear and surprise, Yu fell on the ground and her umbrella flew in the middle of the road. The figure standing before her was a man's. He wore muddy white shirt and greenish-blue baggy jeans, but they were now soaked and was clinging to his not-to-buffed yet not-so-skinny-either frame, he hunched a little and the thing which scared Yu the most was his ominously pale skin, accompanied by his heavily dark-circled eyes and neck length hair, completely down by the July shower; overall it was not a very human appearance.

'Wh-what do you want?' Yu's voice cracked, _crap, she just went past the graveyard…. Does that mean he is a ghost and knew she has a Life Note and wanted her to bring him back to life? No… no….ghosts don't exist right, well now that she thought about it that could exist….well, was he floating in the mid air…. Not sure, for the rain…._

'Are you…. Are you a ghost?' Yu asked stupidly and mentally kicked herself.

'Ghost? Why would I be a ghost' _the same nonchalant tone,_ and now this hunched man was approaching Yu, closer, and squatted down where she had fallen. 'Here, check it for yourself' he took her small hand and placed on his chest, where Yu could feel his beating heart….

 _Suddenly a warm feeling spread throughout Yu's body, easing the pain of yesterday's strain. All her life, she did not feel such ease, even with Life Note, the warm feeling of feeling someone's beating heart… his beating was almost like her own…._

Yu tore her hand away from his chest, _he was alive and that could mean worse, he could be a rapist…. Oh my god…. But no, let's find it out what his intention was._ Yu found his shadowy black eyes…. _Delve in the past…_ moments passed away, she just wanted to see if he had some ill intention or not, but, all she could see was blankness….

 _There was no memory or thought_

 _This man had no memory…._

'Um…. Why did you call me? Do you know me…. Who are you anyway?' Yu stood up, her black hair soaked like this hunching man, and his shadowy eyes moved causelessly on her face, while he placed the nail of his thumb on his lip. He opened his mouth and closed it two times, and finally gave an answer in a low soothing tone.

'I…. I don't know….. ' he answered, and although he sported no significant emotion, Yu could tell he was disturbed, 'when I woke up it was raining and I was lying on the ground'

'Where exactly you were lying?' Yu asked sceptically, _maybe he was a drunk or drug addict who just got wasted and with the addiction overdose, he just lost all his memory_ , _now that Yu thought about it, when you can't really read the mind, all the negative thoughts come cracking in…. that is why people were always sceptical of helping others…. A human being isn't very fond of ambiguity._

'Over there…..' he pointed at the graveyard, 'and I kept walking till now….. Not a single person I saw before you….. And when I saw you, I just called you' his voice, despite dispassionate and soothing, Yu could hint a bit of childish complain in him, as if he was saying, _'I went through this horrible weather, I don't know where I am and you dare to suspect me as a shady person…. '_

Yu went closer to him and tried to sniff, _of course the rain would have washed off the smell but still, she knew a few smell of alcohol and drugs due to her father's habit,_ and she raised her nose and tried to sniff his breath also…. _No…. he does have a morning breath, but it wasn't the same as a narcotic…._ That clears that….

'Well…. I am gonna go now….' Yu said and tried to slide away and saw that the man was vacantly staring at her. She paced up and paced fast until she was near the lane of her home, and found an odd thing that was bothering her for quite some time. The man near the graveyard followed her home.

'What are you doing here?' Yu almost yelled at him but restrained herself as he looked with his heavily dark circled eyes with a slight pout, to which Yu could not be mad at him.

'I am not leaving until you tell me who I am…..!' he protested….

Yu scratched her temple, now she was in front of her house, and then she swiftly unlocked the door. The man wanted to come in, but she made him stand under the porch. 'Wait here….'

'But?'

'Wait. Down. Here…..' Yu commanded him and he obeyed, and stood there. Yu however came out with a handbag, two umbrellas and a plastic bag. The man continued to stare at her with confusion and didn't even complain when Yu started to drag him out in the street by his hand.

'TAXI…' Yu yelled when they reached the main road, a green cab stopped by them and Yu dragged the man inside, 'City Hospital oji-san, and make it quick…..'

The taxi started to move and Yu pulled the windows up. She went through her plastic bag and took out a big white towel out of it.

'Here…. Dry yourself before we reach the hospital, or the doctor will scold you' she passed the towel, but he continued to stare blankly at the towel Yu just dropped, Yu realising what she just said, blushed and looked away, 'don't worry I won't look….'

'No that's not it….. I…. don't know how it's done!' he said quietly….

'Oh sure…. ' little annoyed by the situation, Yu took control, and started to rub the towel against his wet head.

Gush of feels hit Yu at the same time, _like she was a loving friend, a sweet sister, a lover, a mother._ She felt an odd instinct that no matter what she have to protect him from all danger, keep him warm, keep him safe, at all cost. She looked at his face: it was serene and dozed, with his shadowed eyes half closed, and his teeth biting his lips. Yu slowly and responsibly dried his face, like she was this stranger's mother, and then when she looked at his shirt, she gave up.

'I am afraid you have to leave the shirt aside… you might catch cold' Yu knew that she sounded like a pervert, but she was just being practical, and wanted to catch him off guard if he faked his amnesia, but to Yu's surprise, like a five year old, he raised his arms. 'okay….' He said calmly and gestured Yu to put it off for him, 'should I go for the pant too? They are kind of bothering me…. And I am cold' and they both started to strip him. To Yu's relief, he dried himself quite quickly as he claimed that he mastered the 'technique' and later Yu helped him to get into one of his dad's white half tee shirt and relaxed jeans; similar to what he wore. Now he was dry and warm, he let go of his 'confused' state, and looked much calmer, despite the stoic expression.

'Here it is miss…. The City Hospital' the cab stopped, but the rain continued

'Thank you….' Yu paid him, 'oji-san, can you wait for half-an-hour, today is a bad day, and he' Yu pointed at the stranger, 'is not really well, so….'

'It's okay miss… don't worry, I will wait for you…'

'Thank you….' Yu took a picture of the number plate and paid some extra.

Yu again dragged him by the hand as if the older sister had caught her brother in some sort of prank and went to the reception desk.

'Yes… may I help you?'

'Do you have any neurologist or psychiatrist standby? I have a patient who claims to have forgotten everything about himself' Yu pointed at the guy, who was standing there, slouching his back. The receptionist, seeing Yu's slightly annoyed face tried to ease the situation.

'Is he your….. older brother?'

'No…. I just found him in the road; he started following me asking me who he was…. And that's why I brought him here….' Yu firmly said.

'O…kay,' the receptionist sweatdropped and called someone. 'Wait a moment, he is coming soon.'

The man by Yu was led by her towards the visitors place, but his eyes roamed around the candy jar on the reception desk. 'Hey….. Can I have those?' he asked, pulling Yu's wet sleeve.

'No…. not yet' Yu said with sternness, 'let the doctor check you first, tell you what you can eat and what cannot, and then you can have it….' _God what have I brought myself into? I thought helping people was nice, but now when I don't have a ghost of notion who he is, it's really tiresome._

'Um…. Where is Miss Namikawa?' a male voice called, and Yu got up.

'That would be me….'

'Do you have a patient who has lost memories?'

'I think so….. I am not sure, I just found him, and I had to check that he is not lying or anything…..' Yu said to the doctor. Yu sighed in relief because that doctor said nothing suspicious to her; he was kind and elderly, had grey hair and moustache and wore spectacles. Yu thought that she has seen him somewhere but didn't know where. He gently led the patient to his chamber and beckoned Yu to follow him. Through the glass wall, Yu could see that he was asked several questions, one time a nurse took his blood to which he almost pouted in pain. _Hang in there buddy,_ a voice sounded from Yu's heart, seeing him.

The doctor finally came out and Yu stood up, 'miss…' the doctor said 'I need to have some word with you….'

'Okay….'

'This guy, the man you brought has hysteric amnesia, and he is not lying about it' with the doctor's words, Yu's heart dropped like stone 'hysteric amnesia is a state when a person has no recollection about who he is or what is going on, even they tend to forget manners like how to use a towel or how to turn a shower, or with which hand they used to write.'

 _Well that explains a lot of things._

'I tested his blood to see if it was alcohol induced or drug induced, and he came negative. In fact when I checked the blood, the result was astonishing….' the doctor handed Yu his report 'all the components in his blood point that before he lost his memory he used to consume a heavy amount of sweets, to such a point that his body refused to take any other type of food.'

'Is that his cause of amnesia?' Yu said.

'Consuming such huge amount of sweets can cause convulsion, gut problems, obesity even death but not amnesia…. That surely confirms that he has a strong metabolism' The doctor confirmed, 'Now he is positive on amnesia, he needs to be taken extra care, remember he is in a very sensitive state and too much mental pressure can cause seizure and stroke-'

 _That was reassuring…_

'And here's the list of medicines, you can pick it up here….' The doctor handed Yu the prescription and discharged the man in the room.

Yu looked down at the piece of paper….

 _Walter I. Retlaw_

…..

Yu and the man was coming back home in the same can they went to the hospital. Both were awkwardly quite. To break the silence and escape it, Yu started to look into the papers, and sighed. She looked at the man beside her. He seemed 17-18, but the body language (although he has no memory) says he is not a pubescent, so approximately he is in his twenties. He was intently biting on his thumb, lubed up with his saliva; the finger was slipping from his lips once in a while. He had messy raven hair that was shapeless in an anonymous way: neither straight nor fully wavy, looked rough but was smooth (by Yu's 'hand on' experience), he slouched his back and scratched his knee; he had pretty dainty fingers for a man, _as if they would break if they grabbed something firmly._

'Where are we going?' he asked quietly.

'Home….' Yu said

'You know where I live?' he looked at Yu with mild curiosity.

'No…. you are going to stay at my place until I figure out what to do with you….' Yu answered, and suddenly her face was turned 'tell me, do you like sweets?'

'Sweets?' he asked vaguely, 'I guess…. Mmm, I think I do love sweets, now that you mention It.' he fixed his gaze on Yu and she tried to read him again.

 _Nothing…. Nothing but blackness…._ Maybe it's the craving of his body, not memory.

Yu was very disturbed by the fact that they were communicating without calling each other's name. Right now it is futile to ask him his, at least she will have to give him a name until she finds out the real one. Yu descended the cab, he copied her, and thanking the uber, she led the man home.

'There is one thing which is bothering me for quite some time….' He spoke serenely yet meticulously for a patient of amnesia as Yu was placing umbrellas and bags in the proper places, 'you haven't told me who you are…' he paused and looked at Yu with his heavily shadowed eyes, 'Who are you?'

Suddenly a wave played in Yu's mind _…. 'Are You'….. 'R, U', 'Ar…. Yu', 'R…. Yu…'_

'Ryu….' Yu blurted out.

'Ryu? Hmm, sounds quite out of place, to say… masculine almost…' that man remarked.

 _He understands the difference between names, so his intellectual response is there, also the cognitive response, only thing is obliterated is what he was…. This amnesia makes him like a newborn kid._

'No…. that's for you…. I am going to call you 'Ryu' until we find your real name…. that's a pet name for you…. As for myself, you can call me Yu….'Yu stripped off her wellingtons and wore fluffy green slippers and handed Ryu the same ones.

'Yu…..' Ryu mused, and Yu was sure without a shadow of doubt that her blood pounded faster than a mile per hour in her heart, and she looked he was scratching his left ankle with his right toes, _some weird habits, these are not part of memory,, but reflex actions… well if that's the case, he may recover his memories soon._

'Nice to meet you…. Yu….' He softly spoke, and without realising a quick flush came at Yu's wet cheekbones.

 **Extended ending**

The moment Yu went home with Ryu, the cab driver lift his face a little. His wrinkled lips formed a smile; he was the same old man Yu saw in the bus. He looked at Yu's house from the car; lift his hat slightly while his face was still in shadow.

 _The red thread brought together its knotted ends…._


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Her Heart, His Warmth (Kokoro to Nukumori)**

 _ **"He will give his angels charge of you to guard you in all your ways"- ~Psalm 91:11~**_

* * *

 **September 10** **th**

Ryu stayed for almost two months with Yu. He was a quiet man to live with; he didn't do much except for eating, reading and sleeping. Yu convinced her neighbours that he was a tenant and she had rented out her father's room as the costing of the home and school increased day by day. By the span of two months Yu noticed that the recovering of his memories were quite slow, but not too disappointing, Yu wrote down every little things that she could notice in her time in home, even those stuff which Ryu would blurt out from time to time, just so that she could find a cipher. To Ryu's annoyance, Yu had quite a few strict life-style rules in the house, for example, the second floor was out of bounds for Ryu, whenever she will go out she will lock him from outside so that he couldn't answer the outsiders, Ryu was forbidden to speak to anyone without Yu's permission, he can shut but cannot lock any doors.

'Yu… aren't you being too strict with these rules' Ryu said 'as if you are trying to put me in a prison….'

'Ryu, I know I am being unreasonable, but look at your condition, you barely remember anything….' Yu said cutting vegetables and pouring them in the stock that boiled in the hob, 'until you remember who you are and where you are from…. I cannot risk your life….'

'What about not locking the doors…. You don't even allow me to lock the bathroom door…. That is not right…' Ryu pouted, 'I have a private space too….' He nervously clutched his sleeve with his dainty fingers.

'Believe me; it is as difficult for you, as it to me….' Yu said, slightly flustered, 'but at least I will be sure that you aren't having a seizure….' Yu looked at him firmly and surely, 'and you cannot say _'I'll make sure I don't have one'_ , because you cannot control that…. And the doctor said you aren't quite safe for twelve weeks…'

Ryu pouted down, he had no argument… after all he too knew how sensitive he was, he could just be thankful that this girl is taking him so seriously. But the childish impulse inside him refused to give in. 'Have you tried the police, maybe somebody is seeking me out there and I cannot meet them because I am constantly captivated…. I think there is approximately 23% chance that there is someone out there seeking me….' Ryu justified. Seriously, within two months, he being alone with Yu's mom's research books, he grew a temper. Although he rarely rose his tone and always spoke with a soft, soothing voice.

'And your point is? What is the basis of your speculation?' Yu calmly asked.

'For every missing person, there will be a report written in the police station….' Ryu pouted and lowered his head 'that's how I know….'

'Okay Mr. Detective….. It's time for your lunch now….' Yu laid the plates: Rice, Miso soup, coleslaw salad, grilled fish and custard pudding. 'Eat properly or your medications won't work…'

Normally Japanese people don't eat custard pudding as dessert in lunch; they prefer eating apples or seasonal fruits such as yuzu, orange, persimmon etc. Yu was trying to observe what he picks first. In the first two months he never denied any food Yu has offered him, although she had to admit that Ryu and spicy food don't get along very well, no matter how hard she tried to feed him peppers, Kimchi and pickles he always spits them out like a five year old: once he accidentally swallowed a piece of Korean green pepper, his lips swelled within a hour, that gave Yu quite a hard time.

Now it is past two months, Yu observed that Ryu has grown more selective towards food, he only picks either bland or sweet food, sometimes he would try to mix sweet yogurt with his morning rice, or season it with excessive amount of sugar. Yu still had the doctor's word in mind that before he lost his memory he used to have a lot of sweets, so somewhere in Yu's mind she believed that if she fed Ryu something he was familiar with then he might recover his memory, at least some which was related to his foods.

Today Ryu didn't even look at other dishes and went straight for the custard pudding. Another thing which struck Yu was his grip. He was holding and handling things like a normal person, but now as soon as his index finger touched the cap of the custard pudding, he withdraws his hand and grabbed the pudding by its rim and only with index and thumb.

'What happened Ryu?' Yu asked 'is the container dirty? Should I wash it…?'

'No need….'Ryu said impassively, looking at the pudding lustfully 'I usually pick things up this way…'

 _Maybe he was recalling his old habits. That is a good sign._ Although Yu did not attempt to read his mind again.

…

One day Yu came back from school and dropped her back on the living room sofa, and donning the apron she went to the kitchen, but before she could proceed, she peeked into her father's room and saw Ryu sitting in a crouching positing on the revolving chair, doing something with the computer. Yu cautiously went to her father's room; Ryu could not see her as he was facing his back to Yu. She stealthily went towards him, suspecting him to watch porn, but what she saw was even startling to her.

She saw him hacking into the NPA database…

Yu stood still for a moment, shocked, _what is he doing? Was he a criminal? A professional hacker? What she has done?_

'RYU….. What are you doing?!' Yu yelled and Ryu fell from the chair, maintaining his crouched position, to which Yu could help but to giggle a little, but controlling herself she went to him with an angry face.

'What? Why did you yell at me? What did I do?' Ryu answered; strangely there was no hint of guilt of being caught in an illicit act, but annoyance.

'No need to hide…. I saw you hacking the NPA database….' Yu raised him from the ground by his ears, 'tell me what you were doing? Or I will call the police-'

Suddenly Yu stopped, Ryu's arms were shaking and he tried to clutch the sides of his shirt, Yu looked at his face, he looked puzzled, scared…. Yu immediately let go of his ear and grabbed his shoulders. 'Ryu…. Is everything all right?'

Yu didn't let him speak further, _he may lie but his mind wouldn't,_ she looked at his black eyes…. _Yes there was no longer blankness, there were some strips of memory…. There is a dark room, a computer… no, a lot of computers, men in suits, flashing ids… Police? Then she saw heaps of sweets…. Interrogation procedure… someone was being interrogated…. A woman…. Japanese, following a guy of some sorts…._

'Ryu…. Did you remember something about the Japanese police?' Yu quietly asked, as she made him sit on her dad's bed, Ryu just nodded and crouched, pulling his knees to his chest and placing his each of his hands on the knee as if a hawk clutching the branch with its talons. Yu grabbed his shoulders, they were still shaking, Yu laid her head on his shoulder, she did not even noticed that Ryu turned his head towards Yu and swiftly turned it back , slightly flustered.

'I am sorry Ryu… I didn't mean to scare you…. I thought you were doing something wrong.' Yu patted the arm where she was resting her head; Ryu however grew more fidgety but seeing Yu's face illuminated only by the light from the computer stole his breath away from his chest. She was so sweet, so beautiful…. They have lived for two months… how he didn't notice it before! Now remembering the fact that they were both living under same roof, send a sensual chill down his spine to his loins…. He did not like how his body was reacting to Yu's touch… _no, she is just a high school student and he is at least a decade older than her._

'Tell me, Ryu…. ' Yu quietly asked, 'were you trying to look up NPA database to see whether you are there or not….?' But Ryu remained quiet.

'Yu?'

'Yes….'

'Why do you think I would be related to NPA…? I mean why I cannot remember the common things like my parents, family or where I came in?' he asked quietly, biting on his thumb.

Yu noticing this plucked his thumb out of his mouth and straightened up, 'there could be a lot of explanations to this….. First, you could have been an interrogation subject, two you could have been a part of NPA and three…'

Yu just halted stop, and seeing her Ryu rose from the bed, hunched, his baggy eyes fixed on Yu.

'What is the rest of it Yu….?'

'You could be a criminal…..' to utter this Yu had to spend a lot of effort.

'I was looking for the last answer… Yu….' Ryu said, 'my first instinct was if I turned out to be a criminal, I might hurt you when I am fully recovered…. So I was making sure of that. Harming you is the last thing I want….' Ryu walked away from the room in a slouched manner, making Yu stand as a statue of stone; her eyes moist and lips slightly puckered.

….

Yu had taken multiple notes on Ryu, namely what he had recently remembered and how it affected his behaviour, sometimes he would have random shivers, and going through his mind Yu saw many images of blood-red eyes, which terribly reminded Yu of Misa Amane; _maybe he had witnessed someone dying, falling victim of the shinigami eyes, which made him enter his trauma…._

After all this time, Yu thought she might have found a cipher…. A supposed cause of trauma, maybe if Yu tried the Jungian therapy of animus, then by dreams the clues will get clearer…. A connection should be made with the unconscious mind….

But then _it was a dangerous way. Encountering one's alter ego may unsettle completely stable psyche, and he is still in touchy condition._

Yu had to drop the idea.

 **September 19** **th**

Yu was getting dressed in black in her room, a plain black a-line dress with lace. She tried to brush her unevenly cut hair; gamine in one side, collarbone length on the other, and added a black hollyhock hairpin on the longer side. She descended the stairs, and went to the kitchen; she took out the seasoned rice, fruits, cooked chicken from the larder. Ryu was in the computer; he has grown obsessively an insomniac since that day, hearing her bustling in the kitchen he came to her.

'What are you doing in the kitchen so early? We don't have dinner until seven.' Ryu asked.

'These are not for eating…. These are for offering.' Yu arranged the foods in four red bowls

'Offering?' Ryu looked at Yu, sucking on his index finger.

'Yes…. Today is my father's third memorial service….' Yu started to carry the foods to her father's room, opened the altar that stood at the corner, laying the four bowls, she lit two incenses and made them stand erect on the rice bowl and poured sake after rotating the bottle three times. Ryu saw her bowing three times and praying.

'Okay…. I am going out for some time, if you feel hungry I have put the puddings in the larder, but don't eat too much, or you'll have no appetite for dinner.' Yu tried to get past Ryu, putting her black suede shoes.

'Where are you going?' Ryu asked.

'To the graveyard…. ' Yu lift her face and smiled, 'To meet my father….'

'Yu…. Wait for me please….' Today was something special about Ryu's voice, it was softer, tinted with a little more emotion than usual, but as she turned, she saw him turning back to his room, Yu, curious by his actions, followed him and stood still at the edge of the door.

Ryu was offering Yu's father the deepest bow of respect.

 _Ryu….._

'Would you mind, if I come with you too, Yu?' Ryu asked her, 'to meet your father?'

….

'There…..' Yu laid some flowers on her father's grave, entitled 'Kenichi Namikawa' 'he is been sleeping there for two years now….'

'I am so sorry, I didn't know….' Ryu softly spoke and squeezed Yu's index finger within his palm. Yu did not protest his action; in fact she liked the little warmth in her hand from Ryu's hand. It was such a powerful yet comforting support, in fact _it is the first time somebody has even held her hands, she didn't even know how she had managed this far without this warmth being felt, all her life. As if a piece of ice was melting in his touch._

'It's okay Ryu…. And thank you….'

Hearing no reply from the other party was a little weird, as Yu often noticed that it is Ryu who always says the last word, unless the topic is changed. Turning towards him Yu saw Ryu was eyeing a sandstone statue of an angel, who was taking a flight with a wounded man in her arms, she was missing a wing.

'What are you seeing in that statue so intently Ryu?' Yu tapped in his shoulders, but he did not responded, but took some moments to let Yu's question sink.

'The statue….. ' he paused, 'I see us so much in it…..'

'How so?' Yu asked.

'You see, the wounded man would be me…. As you may remember, I appeared before you in an utterly helpless state….' Ryu's dainty finger moved from the man to the female angel 'if the angel wasn't there, the man's soul would have rotting in his grave for ages…. And if you weren't there…' Ryu looked at Yu with emotionless onyx eyes, tinted with unusual fondness, looking at his saviour, his nurturer, his comforter and his friend, 'God knows what would have happened to me….'

Yu couldn't answer him back, but she lowered her eyes, but he wasn't finished. He raised his dainty hand to grab a lock from the longer side of her hair, 'you are doing well even your wing was clipped… You had been an angel to me….' His long finger twisted Yu's longer hair around it, feeling its soft texture with the thumb. Yu could not answer him even now. He continued to look at Yu with sadness and fondness.

 **Extended ending**

The demonic apparition that appeared in the graveyard in thundering night sat atop on the Kanto reservoir, it was none but Shinigami Ryuk.

'Well, well, well…. Things are going a bit too lovey-dovey don't you think …' he addressed the suited man beside him wearing a hat that covered his face. He gave a shadowy smile.

'I told you Ryuk, not even death can tear up the red thread…. They are bound by destiny' the man in hat said.

'Hehe…. But does that girl really know that the man she stands with is none but the great detective L Lawliet she admires? I don't think so….' Ryuk cynically answered.

'No…. that is her charm… of course, being a God of Death, you don't understand that the wings of angels are found on the backs of most unlikely persons….. ' the man in hat concluded, and there Ryuk's eyes glowed red.

'It is true…. She is the true holder of Life Note; I can see neither the name nor the lifespan…. But one thing I would like to say as a Shinigami….' Ryuk turned to the man beside him, 'your angel might not last very long…. The shadow of death is already over her….'

'Meaning?'

'You see, she has brought someone back who shouldn't be brought back at all! Technically when L was brought back to life, she would have died instantly…. Don't you assume why she did not?' Ryuk cackled, 'because L doesn't know he is L…. his memories are gone because he killed himself using the Death Note….. And that's a unique case, because most of the people kill others with Death Note, not themselves….'

Ryuk spread his raven wings and sat down like a hawk.

'There is a part of Death Note in her home….. If L happens to touch it, he will remember who he is, and BAM….. Destiny will be torn apart and so will your red thread….' Ryuk cackled. 'It is his ignorance that is keeping the girl alive…. The wielder of Life Note is living by the mercy of the Death Note' the reaper flew away laughing an unearthly laugh, but the man beside him did not budge.

'Do not underestimate Destiny, Reaper…. The red thread may get tangled and stretched but it can _never be torn apart…_ '


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Her Touch, His Memory (Sessoku to Kiwoku)**

 _ **"You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you"- ~John Bunyan~**_

 **October 28** **th**

The chill was upon the air, and seeing the obnoxiously bright fall sky, Yu decided to take out all the warm clothes and hang them up in sun to kill the dust mites. It was midday in weekend: the pans sizzled, saucepans boiled, rice cooker glowed red while Ryu was in his room, with piles of books and an opened computer, crouched in the revolving chair; he was having his time.

'Ryu~ come…. Lunch is ready…' Yu called out and laid the plates: one her said she had steak, mashed potato and rice, while on Ryu's side she placed, four sticky crepe suzette, sauce made of yuzu, sweet glazed brioche and fruit salad with heavy cream.

'Looks delicious…. Sorry you have troubled much….' Ryu stoically thanked Yu.

'Yes…. I had a lot of work, thanks to you, who doesn't eat anything but sweets….' Yu sat down, but Ryu's answer startled her.

'I am sorry…. I didn't mean it….' His lowered his face and looked so miserable that Yu had a breaking urge to give him a hug. This urge had been happening for quite some time. Ryu had the tendency of taking things literally, he doesn't joke, can't take any jokes and he and sarcasm don't really fit in the same box. Yu on the other hand was gifted with a sense of turning phrases, which came really helpful when she tried to 'counsel' people with Life Note; she often wondered if she uses her gift of speech more will she become more successful in life, all those things she never really thought about…. Like _how would it be to become a professional psychiatrist or having more friends or going to a good university, or…?_

 _What was the damn reason out of which she had to fight with herself everyday whenever Ryu does something…..? unexpected….?_

She was always preoccupied to survive in the 'jungle' of her monstrous dad and the bullies…. Until the Life Note came…

Or until _he_ came….

As if he brought a new hope with him; he was surviving the everyday crises for a person with amnesia, and seeing him, Yu discarded the thought of voluntary suicide: saving people's lives by sacrificing her own, until she has no more days left…..

 _It had been many days since she touched the note…._

'Yu…. Yu….'

Yu snapped out of her train of thoughts to see that Ryu was offering the last piece of strawberry in his plate to Yu, his hand was dangerously close to Yu's lips. 'You look upset…. Was it something I said?' he asked with his usual cool tone, 'if something offended you…. Accept this as my apology' he held out his strawberry, between his thumb and index finger of his lanky and pale arm.

'You didn't offend me, Ryu….. it's just-'

Ryu looked down and withdrew his strawberry and put it in his mouth. Yu was almost used to his 'crouching with his knees bolted to his chest' kind of posture, and it did not bothered her, but she quite never got used to with his eyes, ominously shadowy, but bright with intelligence, sometimes they look they can pierce people's heart, while sometime they just look lifeless…. After that NPA incident in Yu's computer, no matter how she forced him to sleep, he did not, and to her surprise and fear, even staying awake for four days, he didn't broke out, in fact he recalled many memories…. But tragically none of them told who he was and where did he came from….

'Yu?' Ryu called her; for some unknown reason, it was always endearing about Ryu calling out Yu's name.

'Yes….' And she always answered like that….

'I was wondering something from the day of your dad's memorial….' He bit on his thumb; Yu looked at him from the corner of the eye as she did the dishes, while he sat crouching on the chair, 'you never told me about your parents….'

'You never asked me….' Yu said.

'Hmm….. That is an irrefutable logic, in fact, hypothetically if you did tell me about your parents while I showed the remotest interest; it would have been called over-informing….' Ryu concluded, and Yu sighed.

'Sometimes…. I really wonder what were you before you lost your memory, and I have several theories about it' Yu commented sarcastically and then mentally smacked herself _dammit….he is the last person to say witty things._

'Humour me about your theory' and sometimes, Ryu just shocked her with his eloquent way of speaking, despite he looked like a drug addict from shady neighbourhood.

'You could have been a… _doctor, or a scientist… or even a police officer-_ '

'I am afraid; I think you are wrong….' Ryu's voice became dark 'I am too little talented, despite my state to pursue these careers…. ' His thumb was on his lips again 'for these four months… I have understood one thing… all my memories are related to indoors, so there is a 78% possibility that I was engaged in something which did not require frequent outdoor visit, 2% chance that I might be unemployed while the rest of the 20% is not concluded so far….' Ryu finished while hanging Yu aghast.

'You-'

'Now…. You are digressing from my question….' Ryu got up from his position and gestured Yu to come to his room, and jumped in the bed and crouched in his signature position and tapped the bed with his dainty fingers for Yu to sit down, 'Tell me about your parents….'

Yu sat down and she was actually sad about it, 'Well…. It's not something special, I mean, my mother died while I was born….. That's far I know about her. While her gone away, my father' she pointed at the closed alter at the corner of the dark room, 'cursed me, beat me up and told every reason why I shouldn't be alive….' Yu could feel her eyes welling up 'because, I killed the woman he loved, and he lashed me with his belt every day, and-'

Yu halted stop. Ryu's spidery fingers swiftly raised the back of her top. Yu opened her mouth to protest as this was clearly seemed to sexual harassment, but Ryu's cool and soft 'Excuse my rudeness' restrained her.

'Wh-what are you doing?' Yu's voice shook with fear and anxiety.

Ryu however showed no lecherous sign, which however, Yu could not see. His long fingers innocently traced on the lash-scars on her back, as he deeply looked at them. As if he tried to heal them, but in reality, he couldn't because he was just another normal human being. His touch was pure, as if a father was applying ointment on daughter's wound, an angel healing a human soul, and soon Yu calmed down to realise, Ryu's intentions weren't to take advantage of her, he just wanted to be a part of her pain, to share her pain… to reduce it. If he wanted to take advantage of her, he would have taken it long ago: the first time Yu took him to hospital, alone by a cab, or these months, where 24/7 she and he lived under the same roof.

'I…. I didn't know….' That's what he managed to mumble after several minutes to silence, and gently readjusted the top…. 'I am sorry for intruding…..' Ryu apologised and Yu hung her head… not blushing but feeling touched as someone was there to share the pain.

'You know…. ' Ryu quietly mumbled as Yu turned her head towards him and saw him jump on the floor in his squatting position beside the huge pile of the book that was lying on the floor, 'now that I think of it…. I might not have parents….' He picked up a book on _Grey's Anatomy_ by his fingertips and thumb.

'What makes you say so?' Yu folded her legs on the bed as the daylight outside was getting more yellow.

'Sometimes….' He mumbled 'I have fragments… of a huge house, with big gate, specious yard and lots of children' he turned the pages of the book as if he was handling fragile manuscript, 'and sometimes two old men…. But nothing else…. I mean nobody close to be recognised as parents….' He looked at Yu with his odd obsidian eyes, 'do you understand what I am saying?'

'Hmm…. I do, and I deduce that the big house could be the orphanage you were brought up…. And the old men could be the faculty there…' Yu said, trying to forget the lingering feathery touch on her back 'but you should not jump into conclusion yet…. Memory is a complex mechanism and you are just recovering _some_ of your memory…. It is like you are getting only pages from a whole book….'

'Tell me Yu….' Ryu asked 'do you miss your dad?'

It was a bizarre question. Yu just told him that she was physically abused everyday by her father, she tried to laugh it away, but could not as she could see those placid shadowy eyes were piercing her own dark eyes, Ryu looked like he would listen to nothing but truth. He wanted the truth, as if desperate for it… _but why?_ What was the reason?

'Why would you ask that?'

'Because…. I see him every day in your eyes….. Since the day of the memorial service….' Ryu hunched over, 'you try to do everything to me, what would have done to your dad don't you?'

'No….' Yu wanted to say the truth but could not, 'I don't miss him'

'Hmm… that's reassuring….' Ryu did not pursue the subject further.

….

Yu rolled in her bed, many thoughts passed her mind. On normal circumstances, the way Ryu and she lived, it would have been called a live-in relationship, but the reality was a doctor/nurse living in with a patient. Ryu was easy and very hard to read at the same time: he had extremely polite and eloquent way of speaking, a distinctly delicate way of holding things, saying 'sorry' or 'excuse me' frequently if he thought he was an inconvenience. Physically he was at least ten years older than Yu, and if he wanted, he would have done a lot of things already….. That would be a normal reaction…..

He occupies most of Yu's thoughts… what he will eat, and how he will eat, when his medicine's due, when the checkups are due, he cannot stand any temperature over 27 degrees….. he absolutely loves to lick every bit of icing off the plate when he finishes strawberry shortcake. He takes 12 sugars in his morning coffee, 10 in orange juice, he would only eat 100% pure butter-cream icing on cupcake, his favourite rice cake type is the green-tea and soya coated one from Korea ….

 _Wow…. She does sound like a lovelorn woman, doesn't she…._

 _Speaking of love, since the day Ryu arrived, not for once the name 'L' had crossed Yu's mind, as if he never existed as a form of Yu's inspiration…. Does that mean something became more important than 'L' to Yu…_

 _No, this cannot happen…. He is a subject and she is the unbiased observer, they cannot be together. Once his memories come back, he and she will part ways…_

 _Come to think of it, Yu never imagined what she would do after Ryu leaves…._

 _That thought also miraculously never crossed her mind…._

Suddenly like a bolt from the blue, there was heavy knocking on Yu's door…. Continuously growing louder and louder, in such pattern that it was happening from quite a while ago, but Yu did not pay any attention towards it as she was busy in her thoughts. At first she was very alarmed and was suddenly reminded of her dad's old habit of knocking her door at night after heavy drinking, while Yu sat on the other side of the thundering door, her back against the wood, shrivelled in fear. But now, she realised that the only person who can do this is none other than the person she was living with…. A person as sincere like him can only knock at a door, out of his bounds, only if something serious happened-

Yu jumped out of her bed and bolted her door open. She was right, it was Ryu but he was not quite himself. His usual hunched posture was stiffened, the dainty fingers of his hands were sprawled and shaking, his shoulder was shaking; his mouth open agape and there was a trace of moisture at the corner of his lips, his pupils diluted and wide opened, and the shadow beneath his eyes looked bloodshot….

He was scared…

Before Yu could ask something, Ryu's legs gave in and his head fell on the side of Yu's shoulder. Yu's hand automatically reached on Ryu's back and she immediately withdrew it…. Like leaves in wild wind, his body was shaking. She grabbed him firmly, feeling his toned body under her soft palm, and affectionately asked,

'Ryu~ what happened….. ' with her words, his hands grabbed Yu's shoulder, and said nothing. Yu, understanding the situation, dragged him to her bed and laid him down, where he curled up in a foetus-position and continued to shake, Yu approached him slowly and looked him in the eye…

 _It was Ryu, looking at a full length mirror where he saw his reflection. But something about Ryu's reflection was eerie: it had very little shadow under his eyes and the irises, instead of dark obsidian, it was blazing red, much like Misa Amane's and it was smiling with an unearthly twisted way. Suddenly the guy in the reflection opened his mouth and a ton of blood came down flowing from his mouth and then is hoisted up a mutilated body of a six-months-old baby….._

This vision was so vivid and graphic even Yu's knees went weak, she was almost paralyzed with fear and then she realised what it actually did to him.

'Scary dream?' she asked quietly, knelling next to the bed, running her fingers through his soft raven hair, 'it's okay…..there is a saying, "Fancy cannot cheat so well, as she is famed to do, deceiving elf"'

Ryu relaxed a bit and looked up at Yu's face 'I don't remember hearing someone say that….'

'It's from a poem…..' Yu continued to caress his hair 'about a man who lost his love and purpose of life…. To such a point that no fancy or dream worked for him….. It's just a dream Ryu…. An illusion.'

'You are right…. But a human cannot help but to feel scared when he has perfect reason to feel it….' Ryu said, maintaining his rationality even in his fear; Yu climbed on her bed beside him, her back on the wall and her knees at the side of his head.

'It is also said that nightmares makes us strong….' Yu mumbled softly.

'Yu' Ryu broke the silence of the room hastily, his breathing heavy and fast.

'Yes….'

'May I stay here with you tonight?'

Yu felt a lump in her throat which she could not swallow anymore, the hand on Ryu's head stopped billowing beneath his hair, and a pounding feeling rose in her as if her heart will explode in her ribcage and fall into the pits of her stomach, _sleeping on the same bed as her, which is violating the conducts of a virgin._ Of course it wasn't sexual or anything, but Yu wasn't able to answer him back.

'I see….. I shouldn't have said that-' Ryu tried to get up from the bed with great difficulty and waddled towards the door, 'sorry for intruding…..'

'R-Ryu wait…. I didn't mean that-'

'No I understand….' Ryu's voice was not complaining, but oddly apologetic, as if he was sorry not for his wanting to stay with Yu for the night, but for coming in her room disturbing her sleep, _a typical guilt of a person who has lost his memory._ His guilt was far too deep…. No, was it guilt? It was a realisation… it was a realisation that this girl was nothing more to him than his nurse, his nurturer…. But then again, if she is so, then why it is wrong to stay with her at night?

'I had been too burdensome for you….. You are still a young girl and… thank you for your time' Ryu's hands grasped the doorknob, but could not twist it, for in this precise moment, Yu grabbed the corner of his white shirt….

'No Ryu…. I didn't mean in that way…..' Yu hung her head, and now Ryu could see the delicate figure of a young girl in the reminiscent light from the lamp-post outside the window, creating a halo-like aura around her and her eyelet lace nightgown, just tracing past her calves. Her eyes looking up at him, 'Ryu… I don't see you in that sense, and I know you don't mean anything more than what you said…. It's just… a strange thing-'

'What is it if not your chaste pride?' Ryu asked his eyes quizzical.

'Why don't we continue this while you lie down for a little…?' Yu smiled and led the wide-eyed Ryu towards the bed, she let him lie down and she sat with her back on the wall. Ryu gestured her to stroke his head again, and claimed that it was calming him down and Yu happily oblidged.

'Now… what is the thing you feel strange about?' Ryu chimed under his arms under which he tucked his head, sleeping again in a foetus position.

Strangely Yu took quite few minutes to answer him. 'I want to tell a lot…. But I don't know where to start….'

Ryu was quite, he was sensible enough to give her a bit of space; he knew the answer of the question will be grave, without Yu uttering a word about it. But he wanted to hear it…. He wanted to hear everything about her…. To him, she was a woman with a veil, tangible but opaque, too illuminated to be seen clearly, but he did not know he was the same thing to Yu too; lingering in shadow, known yet unknown, stranger in a familiar.

'I was always the one with my back on the wall…..' Yu said letting out a sigh out of her chest, 'I was loved by none in my family…. I only mean by my father; I never received affection from the rest of my relatives. When he died, everyone was concerned about the large endowment of my father, not about I will able to live without a guardian or such as a fragile 14 year old…. But I wasn't concerned about any guardian so to say…. I already had one, always with me….. Even when my dad was around and he beat me up, the guardian was there… watching over me, comforting me with the words….'

Yu raised her head and her eyes fixed on the yellowed newspaper cutting on the wall, displaying the letter 'L', in cloister black, 'there is my guardian on the wall….. My caring parent in the morning, my patient listener after a tired day, my friend in worst times and my lullaby at night'

Ryu turned his head and looked at the wall following her eye, 'I am afraid, I do not understand… '

'It is normal for you to say that…. In fact, if you had your past memories, I think it would have been easier for you to grasp about the things he did, but I will try my best….' Yu smiled, not offended or any sort, and described about who L was and what he did, and Ryu seemed to be fascinated, little the girl or the man knew, the great detective Yu admired so much was curling up next to her, enjoying her feathery touch in his hair.

'In my short life, I have seen many things…. At first I thought it was the worst thing that can happen with one, but in time I didn't know what to feel anymore. I have seen a devoted husband turning into a monster…. Friends into enemy and relatives stranger' Yu's gaze was fixed on the letter on the wall 'and to a point where I felt that I was casted away from their lives, from the lights of the joy of sharing the same bond…. Into the darkness of torture, hatred, resentment and….. I lied there, in the pit…. Letting the coldness of faithlessness, and thorns of despair spar me-'

Yu paused for a moment, lost in the train of thought, then grasping the idea of what to say she came back to reality, 'but one day….. In my hopeless life, when I gave up on everything and counting my days to end…. I heard his voice, encrypted through the TV set in downtown….. I was standing alone in the midst of Kira-worshippers…. I hated him… I hated God… I don't believe in such a thing…. If God was there, everything would have been alright, everything…. But he was different, everyone feared God, but he didn't…. He screamed _I am Justice,_ ah yes!' Yu huffed 'all my life I have been a non-believer, and I wanted someone who can defy god as equally as me…. I began to idolize L… I started to love him, frantically with all my heart and he was the reason I made it through…. He made this so-called-Kira go away, and it was 'Justice', people were at peace…. He is invisible; he is vigilant, always awake to bring Justice to people from the God…. And there is no one that can rob the place of L in my heart…. '

'I see….' Ryu answered her after his long silence 'You love L….'

'Yes….'

'But… you did not see him, or heard him, or know anything about him?'

'No…. I didn't'

'What if he's a bad person…? What if he is a slugger and a pervert and gobbles junk food all day, and has a weird face or haircut?' Ryu tried to say sucking on his thumb, and Yu looked at him incredulously, with his not-so-usual-and-eloquent choice of words.

'Doesn't matter…. Even if I didn't see him, talk to him, laugh with him, cry with him, touched him, listened to him, comforted him… I know that I love him, from the bottom of my heart….' Yu's voiced choked with the moisture that was building up at the base of her throat, 'and because my beloved is watching me from the wall-' she sniffed and had herself a forceful smile, 'How that for my protecting-the-bed-from-another-man story?'

'Best I have ever heard….' Ryu quietly mumbled, 'I think I understand you. You see, sometimes when we are too broken, we try to find even a little bit of support or faith in our life. I think L started to you as Faith and then he emancipated into the ideal love-'

Ryu turned his head towards the wall, but Yu's head was already lolling at her side… she was fast asleep, lightened with dispelling the words that held her down for so long. He got up and grabbed her shoulder blades; her head plopped at one side, directly over his left hand, and he gently straightened her head and laid her down in her pillow. She looked light and serene, her mouth gaping a little…. Ryu stared at her as he cautiously lay down beside her- strange it was! It was him coming for help and wanting to stay with her because he was afraid, but it seemed he became a support of a sad, lonely girl, as she slowly buried her small face in his shirt, hugging him defencelessly. Her knee was near his belly and the hem of her dress rid up to expose her thigh. Perhaps nobody even said her goodnight in her whole life… She was so deprived of affection and care! And remembering that his heart ached… this ache seemed so familiar but he could not remember where or when he felt that pain….

Darn…. His own memory was becoming a hindrance….he tried to remember and remember hard… but nothing came… he was angry and frustrated. This never happened before… he was never so desperate to recall such a single memory….

 _Are you there….?_

'….I am here….' Ryu heard Yu under his arms, she was sleeptalking, 'cannot sleep again?' she said, without opening eyes and he could realise that she was sound asleep.

'Hmm…. The room seems too quite tonight…. It's hard to sleep when it's not raining…' like reflex action, Ryu's throat voiced such a phrase and when he tasted his words, he felt that it was someone else's words, not his… but he knew this was not true.

'Oh, you poor thing…. C'mon… come to me' Yu lolled head, and said her lines as if she was a student of improv, 'I'll sing for you…..'

'Um-hm!' Ryu agreed naturally and then saw Yu's hand travelling at his back, almost hugging him. She started to pat him slowly, and from her small thin lips exuded exquisite melody…. Serene like a church music.

 _ **Os iusti meditabitur sapientiam**_ _, (The mouth of the just shall meditate wisdom,)  
_ _ **Et lingua eius loquetur indicium**_ _. (And his language shall be spoken in judgment.)_

 _ **Beatus vir qui suffert tentationem**_ _, (Blessed is he who suffers temptation,)  
_ _ **Quoniqm cum probates fuerit accipient coronam vitae.**_

 _(Since he, with approval, shall receive the crown of life.)_

 _ **Kyrie, ignis divine, eleison.**_ _(Lord, heavenly fire, have mercy.)_

 _ **O quam sancta, quam serena**_ _, (Oh, how holy, how serene)  
_ _ **Quam benigma, quam amoena**_ _, (How kind, how pleasant)  
_ _ **O castitatis lilium.**_ _(Oh, lily of chastity.)_

Ryu could not remember how long he had listened to it, or how far she sang, but in his mind, he could see a blurred image of a woman, with bellowing black hair and fair skin, looking down with affection…. Suddenly her blurred image changed into a Japanese woman in jeans and leather jacket who with her blue eyes looked at him and said, 'Rue Ryuzaki is dead…. It is fine….'

 _Ryuzaki? Who is Ryuzaki… and what did he did to him?_

Again his vision changed and everything went red, and numerous computer screens flashed 'all data deletion'…. A chest-stabbing pain…. A shinigami…. A spoon, falling in slow motion, with a slow thud, Ryu fell from his revolving chair….

That melody played in background…

 _ **Kyrie, ignis divine eleison**_ _…._

 _Kyrie…_

 _Kyrie…._

 _Kyra…._

 _Kira…._

 _Light Yagami…. Is Kira…?_

And was that Light Yagami, looking down at him, with a face like the very devil as visions of cathedrals, sunlight, children crying, bells, chimes and crucifixes flashed past his own eyes? Who was he…. Why isn't he helping him to get up…. Who is he…. Who is he?

Who is he?

Who am I?

His eyes shot open…. The light of dawn was already at the window….

* * *

 **thanks to my reviewers for support and to Guest, I will say that I am following partly the anime and partly the theme L: Save the worLd. Thanks for pointing that out, I am so happy that you are reading my story with such attention, I hope you enjoyed this chapter.**

 **To my confession, I was partly inspired by L Save the WorLd, and I was very touched to see L's human side. The other part of inspiration was the song I used, the latin song is the opening of another sad anime, Elfin Lied, and the title is Lilium. at first I considered 'Trisha's Lullaby' from Fullmetal Alchemist, but as you can see, the words don't quite fit in the recollection of L from 'Kyrie' to 'Kira'. Another reason I used 'Lilium' instead of "Trisha's Lullaby" because 'Kyrie' chant is also part of Death Note OST.**

 **I will be releasing a photo collection of this Fanfic in Pinterest and a Soundtrack playlist in 8tracks, if you want to see them, and get a better idea of the characters. Support me please**


	7. Chapter 7

**Filler: First Lullaby (Saisho no komori-uta)**

 _ **(note: It is a filler, part of the memory of both of them. It will be well connected with the rest of the story**_

 _ **Timeline: approximately 20 years ago from the present timeline)**_

* * *

 _ **"The ones that love us, never really leave us, and you can find them... in here"- ~Sirius Black~**_

The air seemed quite cold tonight… the natural warmth that she felt near her chest wasn't there. She could feel her sleep was driving away, a flapping noise like agitated bird's wings can be heard and it was growing slowly and steadily

And with that gust of wind slamming on her window, her trance was completely gone.

'Ryu… move a bit… I have to close the window, it's raining….'

But she was alone in her bed…. Ryu was not there…. _where was he?_ Like the reflex action she tried to glance back at the wall where she hung the paper cutting, but it was gone! There was no ceiling fan, her bed was wider and her pillow fluffier…. What was happening? Even in the moist darkness with the instrumental of rain she could see everything clearly. Her window…. Her window was bigger and lined with white brocade curtains instead of linen…. The furnishing was exquisite yet simple…. This was definitely not her room.

Outrageous, she tried to jump from her bed, but anticipating the height of the bed wrong, she fell on the floor, with her head being bowed at the front. The thing that came after that was even more astonishing…..

 _She had long black wavy locks of hair…. Symmetrical and possibly cut in layers…._

She straightened up, and stood…. Her feet were clean and translucent, not spotty or scarred, and so was her hand, she was wearing a frilly white lace nighty and her chest was twice as bigger than her real, underplayed, petite, gamine chest. She felt her face next…. No, it does feel like her face… what was happening…

 _Knock knock…._ Someone was at the door…. 'Coming….' Said Yu, but her voice was more pitched than usual. She didn't wanted to answer the person outside the door, but the owner of the body had something else in her mind.

As if her body wasn't her own, she opened the door and greeted an old man that was standing outside her door; he had a familiar face but Yu didn't recognised where she had seen it, but regardless, she greeted him as 'Is something wrong Mr. Wammy, it's two in the morning….'

'I am sorry Mamoru for disturbing your sleep…. But I had no choice whatsoever, '

 _What did he just said?_

 _Mamoru?_

' _Mamoru' is usually a masculine name and is not commonly used as a girl's name in Japan…. Could this be…._

'I know it was absolutely rude of me to wake you up in the ungodly hour, but you have to-' Mr. Wammy said while he straightened his glasses.

'Not that…. I was just….' She tried to change the topic 'I was wondering what could possibly trouble Mr. Wammy to wake me up…. Is everything all right? Nothing… bad I presume?'

'Yes… and no… but it is as much troubling as a bad news would' Mr Wammy regretted and seeing her quizzical expression he said 'you see Roger had turned up from the main office and with a new…. Admission. It has been two hours since we tried to ease up the kid, but he doesn't seem to be opening up and he refused anything I had gave him…. Toys, stories, petting…' He huffed 'I think we are in need of a female assistance here…. I think we in our suits and attires are too intimidating for him, would you come downstairs and take a good look at him?' Although the tone seemed to be humble, it was a concealed order.

'You don't have to request me Mr. Wammy, I will surely meet him… just give me some moments. I will meet you downstairs….' The girl bowed then shut the door.

 _What just happened, who was she…? It seemed like she was in someone else's body, but the sense that she is into someone's body was there…. Mirror…. She needed a mirror, she needed to see who was she…_ a demonic curiosity was eating her up and there! She found the mirror, in the bathroom in her room…. And her reflection startled her….

It was Yu, who she saw in her mirror, only with long wavy black hair brushing her waist and some strands fell over her perky and beautifully round breast…. She was a little taller and her hands were bigger…. But the only feature that explained everything to her was the stormy grey eyes….

 _Oka-san? Is that you_

Yu traced her face over and over with her long hands…. It was her first time meeting her mother… she always knew she had her father's dark deep-set eyes…. How old is she? 16 like Yu? No…. may be a little older… 18 will be the perfect age…. The more she looked at the mirror the more she grew emotional. So her mother was an orphan? Poor her…. But the environment of the orphan home seems very warm and friendly.

In a trance she got dressed, thinking about the unforgettable kindness and beauty of her mother….she hastily wrapped the blush-coloured dressing gown around her lying near the settee, and threw her dishevelled hair in a loose updo... as she descended down the stairs; she saw something black and furry peeking from the back of the couch. Like she is playing peek-a-boo she approached it slowly and silently, and finally saw a little boy in dull pink overcoat and white comforter, hugging himself on the couch, he had wild raven hair and deep-set eyes.

'Hello…' Mamoru (let's call her Mamoru from now on) said to him softly and he startled at her voice 'aren't you a little fuzzball….' She took her face closer to the little boy's face, which hid behind his pink sleeves and shook. Mamoru looked at him with strange eyes and then to Mr. Wammy.

'He's been like that ever since…..' he said, now sitting on the couch. Mamoru looked at the boy again, her hand went straight to the kid's fuzzy head and she slowly ruffled his hair, 'it's okay now…. You don't need to be scared…. ' but the kid did not seem to be convinced. Mamoru tried to lift his head from his arms; his lips looked chapped and shrivelled and his eyes looked droopy.

'Mr. Roger….' Mamoru slowly got up and raised her voice, as a man, younger to M. Wammy, came to her 'yes, Miss Yukimura….?'

'Do we have food in the store cupboard?'

'No…. Bob just threw everything away… I am afraid, we have nothing at the present.' Roger answered, and to reply him, Mamoru looked at him intensely; _Yu could never think of exercising such authority over someone, she was an orphan, but she behaved like the lady of the household, and these men complied with her!_

'Well, that's not very convincing….. Mr. Wammy-'Mamoru turned to the other man 'This kid is not being friendly not because he is scared but hungry, and it is making him cranky…' then she turned to the previous man 'Mr. Roger, at least go and warm up some milk for god's sake… we don't know when was the last time he had eaten, and bring the oatmeal cookies, Brioche I have kept in the larder …. First he will have some milk and then he is going to sleep in my room.'

She went to the kid and sat beside him, as now he was not hiding anymore n his sleeve, he was looking at Mamoru, who looked at him and smiled 'its okay….' And she hugged him softly, 'everything will be alright…..' then she fidgeted, 'you can understand me don't you?'

For the first time, the kid reacted to something, and nodded, to which Mamoru smiled. She took him up in her arms and giving the men an authoritative look she kissed the child's cheek and took him to the table…..

'What's your name sweetie?' Mamoru gently asked. But the child did not reply, but continued to stare at her with his dark, almost black, blue eyes with wide cornea, with confused and beautiful kind of appalled state. _Oh, there is a sense of intellect in his eyes alright, and he is kinda handsome too…. If he were 18, I would already have fallen in love with him._

'Lawliet…..'

 _Lawliet?_

Yu's heart pounded faster than the bullet train; _Lawliet? Her mother is holding Lawliet, meaning L, in her arms?_

'And apparently, that was his family name….' Roger said, as he put the glass of milk on the table 'He doesn't remember what his name was'

'He has amnesia?' Mamoru was incredulous, and as the kid in her arms was so startled at her, that she had to kiss him again and gently helped him drink the warm milk, blowing at the rim of the glass.

'Yes, I checked him myself….' Said Wammy, 'and apparently it is for a terrible shock or trauma.'

Mamoru looked at the child in her arms and her eyes moistened, _perhaps he saw something hideous, or the death of his parents, poor him…._

'Can you not blabber about these things in front of him?' Mamoru quietly, but firmly said, 'what is past is past…. The past did not do any good to him, but at present he is at Wammy's house, so from now on he will lead a new life…. And for that we need a new name for him….' Mamoru smiled at the kid, 'would you like a new name sweetie?'

The child nodded cutely, and Mamoru wiped the residual milk from his lips.

'As his last initial is with letter L, I suggest something with letter L too….' Mamoru said, 'anyone any ideas?'

'How about Leo, in Latin the Lion?' Mr. Wammy suggested,

'Too feral….. And doesn't suit him….'

'Leroy, the old French as King?' Roger suggested.

'mmm….. Better but kind of lacks the heart….'

'Liang, in Chinese Bright?'

'That's racist Mr. Wammy'

'What about Lorenzo? It sounds regal and it means Victory in Italian?'

'No…. reminds me of the murderer from the _Spanish Tragedie_ ' ( **note: The Spanish Tragedie is a play by Thomas Kyd in 16** **th** **c England** )

A cold silence fell in the room, both Wammy and Roger had gave up on naming the kid, at the precise moment, Mamoru's eyes shined,

'Elijah (pronounced as: el-ee-ya)…. Hebrew for 'Jehovah is God'….. In short, El….' Mamoru whispered, 'this kid has clever and bright eyes and one day…. He will be looked for excellence, intelligence and justice….. He will be someone very special and famous.'

'Good call Miss Yukimura…..' Roger and Wammy smiled.

'Elijah….. 'El'…. from today, we'll call you El….. Elijah Lawliet…..'

But before Mamoru could see him in joy, the kid was fast asleep in her arms; she grasped him firmly and got up from her chair in the dressing gown, patting his back, she took him to her room; the child stirred.

'I am scared…..' he whispered and threw his arms around Mamoru's neck.

'It's okay El, you will be sleeping with me tonight…. There are a lot of toys and fluffy pillows, and a warm furry blanket-'

'Why did you call me L? Am I an alphabet?'

Mamoru stopped dead. She was turned down a bit, 'of course you aren't an alphabet! I called you E-L, "El" not "L" the letter' she replied irritably and looked at him from her shoulder, 'why? Don't you like it? It's short for Elijah, your new name. Every child in Wammy's house gets one when they arrive.'

'That's a weird name!' the child mumbled.

'What? Elijah is a perfectly normal name….It means God you know…. ' Mamoru pouted her lips, 'can't believe I am saying this-'

'But I like it!'

His complement made Mamoru blush. She was about to say something else too, but before that the child spoke.

'From today I will call you U….. Your name sounds with the letter U…. '

'No it doesn't….' Mamoru protested 'It sounds with "Y"…. Y-U-K-I-M-U-R-A…. Yukimura Mamoru… meaning "Protecting the Snow Village"'

A long silence is spread across the room.

'U, why a name is so important?' L asked from her arms.

'I don't know….' Mamoru answered him quietly, 'but I do think that when a child is given a name with a special meaning, at that moment with that name a purpose is given to the child…. You see, every person, no matter how small they are, has a purpose to fulfil in the world… it's like…' Mamoru sank deeper as the word 'purpose' might be too hard of a word for a little kid of barely eight to understand, 'it's like a job…. Name is like a job tag from the god that says what you will become when you grow up…. And that's why good name is very important'

'And did God tell you to give me that name?' L asked quietly.

'Maybe…. Because your name just popped in my mind…. It was God hinting what to name you. God is not someone you can touch or see, but he is out there, watching everything, listening to everything…. And because God was there, we found you…' Mamoru laid him in her bed gently and plopped his head gently to the soft pillow and started to pat him at the back. It was nearly 2:30 in the morning.

'U….'

'Yes…..'

'I can't sleep….'

Mamoru sat on her bed more determinedly and tucked her legs in the blanket, 'alright… I will sing for you….'

 _That exquisite melody…._

 _That enriched Latin lyrics_

 _ **Kyrie…. Ignis divine eleison….**_

Where did this came from in Yu's lips? How did she know it…. It was a mystery, a mystery she will never perhaps solve. Perhaps L would have no answer either. Was it dream, or a waking vision she didn't know. She never had such a feeling. But all she could see the poor child, parentless, wanting for affection and comfort. She had no mother, and having a father like that was next to none. She didn't know it was eternal or temporary, but one thing she knew: if this vision is true, then L and Yu are the same…. Alone, isolated and misunderstood. L suffered a fate which he didn't deserve neither did she…. And L was somewhere far, far away, where she will never meet him… even after death.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 7: Her Virtue, His Vice (Zen to Tsumi)**

 _ **"Fancy cannot cheat so well as she is famed to do, deceiving elf"- ~John Keats~**_

The sounds of the rain were no more. It was quiet, comfortable and cosy with the familiar warmth. Yu slowly opened her eyes, it was brighter than night, but too dark to be called dawn. But as long as she could remember, she was with Ryu. However her view of unblocked window told her that Ryu was gone; maybe he had gone to get some water or the bathroom. She would have remained in the bed too, but something caused her to wake up. It was a certain object that was loitering on the floor.

 _That bulky pink envelope…. That had Misa's last letter._

But how did it end up here? Yu clearly remembered that she had put it at the back of the study table… did Ryu go through her stuff? But the room looks fine…. And it is also a point why Ryu will go through her stuff out of the blue…. The window was opened and perhaps the envelope just flown on the floor… seriously, she had been worrying a bit too much in these days!

 _Ah, her chest hurts…. It must have been sore by trying to carry Ryu to her bed._

She descended her bed, and picked up the envelope, but as it was flap-side down on the floor, the folded pages flew right out of the envelope. Annoyed, she tried to pick all the three pages up, but strangely, she saw a fourth piece, haggard and yellowed. She picked the odd piece of paper out; something was scrawled in the piece of paper with antsy lettering

 _ **L. LAWLIET shall die 23 days from today peacefully by a heart attack….**_

 _It was L's suicide committing statement…._

To know the whereabouts, she started to find the point where she had left it…. She turned on the study lamp on her desk, and set her half-awake eyes on the letter.

 _Ah yes… found it…_

 _ **He himself used the death note to kill himself after 23 days under the name 'L Lawliet' so that he could catch Light off guard….**_

That part she read, and she proceeded to the next…

 _ **It's been seven years since he died… it was 5**_ _ **th**_ _ **of November 2007, oh boy! The 'V for Vendetta day' isn't it…. And yes, he died for a good cause. All these years I had imagined myself go back in time and apologising for all the mean things I had said to him. Now I have finally seen a person like you, who can reverse death, may I ask you for a favour? I don't know if you would be able to or not, but can you… can you bring him back to life…. He was too precious to die at an age of 24, he was so talented, so humble and capable… and do you know, he was a sucker for sweets and especially strawberry shortcakes…. It was adorable how he ate the strawberry with tiny bites….**_

Yu's heart pounded faster, it's like Misa Amane is describing Ryu, and she read further.

 _ **He was odd yes… he had messy black hair, he was insomniac and all he wore was loose unfitted white t-shirt and baggy jeans.**_

Yu's mind automatically travelled to the day she had found Ryu. He was by the graveyard. _He wore muddy white shirt and greenish-blue baggy jeans, but they were now soaked and were clinging to his not-to-buffed yet not-so-skinny-either frame…_

 _ **He had oddest set of eyes you know…. Depressed but alert, and he had significant amount of dark circles….**_

Wasn't it exactly how she thought about Ryu's eyes? _She quite never got used to with his eyes, ominously shadowy, but bright with intelligence, sometimes they look they can pierce people's heart, while sometime they just look lifeless…._

…. _His ominously pale skin, accompanied by his heavily dark-circled eyes and neck length hair…._

 _ **And he sat weirdly, almost like hugging his knees to his chest, and his walk was ungraceful as he hunched next to Light's erect and perfect posture…**_

… _.He hunched a little…._

….. _Yu was almost used to his 'crouching with his knees bolted to his chest' kind of posture, and it did not bother her….._

 _ **And, and another quirk in his character… he liked to pick things up very delicately and all….**_

… _As soon as his index finger touched the cap of the custard pudding, he withdraws his hand and grabbed the pudding by its rim and only with index and thumb._

' _What happened Ryu?' Yu asked 'is the container dirty? Should I wash it…?'_

' _No need….'Ryu said impassively, looking at the pudding lustfully 'I usually pick things up this way…'_

Yu could read no more. She didn't know what was real anymore. The person Misa Amane had described as L was exactly like Ryu. No there was no mistake… if she described L correctly, then from the appearance and from the… no; no… this was too farfetched. She might have been thinking too hard…. No… L committed voluntary suicide using Death Note and Ryu had no memory of who he was… no…

'…. I can answer that for you…. If you want'

Yu turned her back at the raspy voice, and it chilled her bones to the core….

Something very tall and hunching was standing behind her; she couldn't make out the complexion of it, but in the dim light of the precursor of dawn, it seemed greyish. It had a vicious smile as if the corner of the lips were slit up to the corner of the ears and the most terrifying of all…. It had glowering red eyes. She wanted to scream, but a sudden courage forced the voice out of her throat.

'Who are you?'

'Who am I? Didn't you know…? I thought you could see through people's eyes through their mind?' it said and exposed its scissor-like teeth, 'well… why don't you try?'

Yu tried to look through the eyes…. _It was dark, rotting and stagnant… carcasses and corpses were lying around under murky gray sky…. Apples… lots of apples, a black book…. That notebook which Misa had, but instead of her, it was picked by a handsome boy with brown hair and then he started to write names over names then…. What? MISA AMANE…. Misa Amane goes up to him and begs her to make his accomplice…. So that boy was Light Yagami? The one who forced Misa to do everything… and then, this announcement in TV…. And then… what he scrolls about? Lind L. Taylor…. And someone challenges him…._ _ **I am Justice….**_

The strain was too much for Yu to take on…

'You are Ryuk… aren't you?'

Ryuk looked at her incredulously, 'why yes… I am Ryuk, and I was Light Yagami and Misa Amane's Shinigami-'

'What are you doing here? As long as I can remember, I did not summon you' Yu asked bravely. But instead of answering her straight as normally people did, Ryuk harshly grabbed her chin and squeezed her cheeks so harshly that she winced.

'Are you sure?' Ryuk asked in a raspy voice and pointed at the torn piece of paper. Yu glanced at it.

'That is a piece of Death Note…. So, whoever touches that can see you?'

'Smart girl!' Ryuk let her go.

At the precise moment, the door lurched, and Yu's heart stopped…. _It must be Ryu…._

'What happened little-girl…..? Someone got you nose?' Ryuk said in a mocking sing-song voice. However Yu ignored him and watched the door opened…. It was Ryu…

'Yu… what are you doing on the floor?' he asked nonchalantly. However Yu was terrified as there was a Reaper standing right next to her and there could be any horrible situation right now… but oddly, Ryu didn't seem to notice anything and continued t look at her oddly. 'What happened? You look pallid…. Is everything all right?' Ryu did a thing which made Yu's heart jump out of her ribcage in alarm. He started to look around the room in his slouched manner, and then he looked at her.

'You seemed to be afraid of something, am I right?' Ryu said, 'but I see nothing unusual in the room…. However, that is not the point I came….' Ryu sat down on the ground, 'I thought you might be worried if you suddenly did not see me in your room…. I decided to go downstairs again and intend to stay there… thanks to you I had a very good sleep and now if you might, please go to sleep….' Ryu slowly walked away from the room, as Yu heard the door closing behind her. She rushed to the door and perked her ear on the wooden surface, until no footsteps were heard.

'So… besides me, no one can see you….'

'That is the point of being a Shinigami…. ' Ryuk casually said.

A long silence followed. Yu didn't know whether to trust him or not. She did not believe a moment before that something like 'god' existed, but now her atheism has been contradicted by 'god' itself, she was losing her own faith…. Yes, people like her have faith too…. It is the faith of the unknown. As long as things she felt that do not exist wasn't there, everything would be fine.

But then Yu saw Ryuk smiling widely after Ryu left, and heard him mumble, 'mmmm….. So interesting…. Things are going to get so much interesting….'

'What do you mean by that?' Yu asked.

'Well…. Why don't you try that little torn page which you just saw…..? ?' Ryuk picked up the paper from the floor and handed to her, 'place between your palms and concentrate on the name written on it…' however, Yu did not liked the creepy smile in his face.

Her mind slowly drifted into the memories stored in the page.

 _A little boy with fluffy raven hair loitered alone in the corridors where many little children without parents played. He is very much loved by two old men named Wammy and Roger and an young woman named 'U', he was studying mathematics diligently by a bespecled old man, and reading poetry another moment to a beautiful young woman, U._

… _._

 _The little boy, everyone called him 'Elle' or 'El', and he was eating sticky toffee pudding by his computer, where he played online chess._

… _._

 _The problem which was left unsolved by renowned detectives was solved by a pre-teen messy haired boy, under the codename 'L', and assisted by Quillish Wammy, with the alias 'W'. The old men in the orphanage decided that L will pursue the career of a detective._

… _.._

 _It was dark and it was moving, like a tunnel, and inside the tunnel, popped many square like lights, and all of them displayed the same letter in cloister black that hung over Yu's wall…. 'L'…. and in the midst of the dimly lit passage sat a dishevelled haired adolescent boy._

' _Bonjour, je suis L. Je supervisera sur le cas du scandale royal à partir de maintenant.' (Hello, I am L. I will be supervising on the case of royal scandal from now on.)_

 _It was unmistakably Ryu no doubt, but his hair was much shorter, and chins fuller and the bags less dark. Although she could only pick the French (because she had studied it in middle school), but she could see him communicating in many languages, she could only recognise Spanish, Chinese, Korean and Arabic. But something happened and all those multitudinous sounds of languages, halted stop with a 'W' popping in the screen in front of L, and he pressed a button in his keyboard to respond to that._

' _L, I Have news….' A voice in the screen said 'Misora had recovered all the victims, and everyone seems fine….' A screen popped and there was an old man, like the one 'Mr. Wammy' she saw in her dream, and he was solemnly reporting about some incident, but the screen got hazy…. All L could see was Watari's camera was knocked down, and there someone appeared there instead of Wammy and he was the exact duplicate of L himself, only…. he had red eyes._

 _Just like Ryu had saw in his nightmare._

' _Hi, Hi L….. It is so nice to meet you at last…. I thought I could chat with you a little bit, and look' the other L dragged something to the screen, and it was a woman._

 _Full bellied… bloody, dishevelled haired young woman, with Yu's face and stormy gray eyes._

' _Do I feel you getting puzzled L?' that man in the screen said in a singsong voice 'so….. It was right then…. Mamoru Namikawa, you are the only one, the great L cannot get past, your dear U…. Didn't Watari tell you that the lot like you shouldn't have any weakness, for any human?' He grabbed Mamoru by the hair, and she screamed._

' _El…. Save me…. Save me El, I beg you…. I beg you…. Save me from this monster' Mamoru yelped in pain, and then the man who held her whispered, 'yes…. Yes, beg just like that…. Yes oh… yes….' And he tightened his grip on her hair._

' _El please…. Please….'_

' _Who are you? And why you are calling me an alphabet?' L said dispassionately 'I don't know what you are talking about…'_

' _El?' the woman's eyes were full of tears of shock 'El… what are you saying?'_

' _Beyond Birthday….' L addressed the man at the other side of the monitor 'I don't know why you thought that you can get me by this woman…. I just saw her for the first time' L said in his normal tone, 'you can kill her if you want to…. To check my reaction and I doubt it would change much….' L said, 'but I will certainly discourage it, because murder is an act of injustice…. However to a murderer like you, it doesn't mean anything…..'_

The paper fell from Yu's hands….

 _L Lawliet, whom she had been admiring all her life was responsible for her mother's death…._

 _Her mother wasn't undergoing through a critical pregnancy…. She had been brutally injured, and L was responsible for it…._

 _L…._

 _And worst of all…. Ryu, whom she had been sheltering had been L, all along…._

 _She had been pampering the murderer of her mother, the destroyer of her family, the cause of all her misfortune._

'It can't be true….. No…..' Yu denied, as the clock stuck half-past three in the morning.

'Yes it is….. ' Ryuk said, 'You see when a person kills a another person using the Death Note, nothing is lost, memory or whatsoever, unless you renounce your claim on the Note' Ryuk said and knelt down 'but when a person commits suicide writing his own name in the Death Note, he is subjected to a greater condemning than ever…. And if the person is ever brought back to life…. Which is so rare, he will have no memory of who he is, until he touches the Death Note' Ryuk tapped at the torn paper. 'And you, dear human…. Would have died instantly if you would have brought back a normal Death Note user, as a punishment for letting condemned souls in the rules of Three Realm, but do you know why you did not die?'

'No…..' Yu was too much in shock even to care.

'Because he did not know that he is L…..' Ryuk said.

'And what if he does know?' she asked.

'You die….'Ryuk said with casual tone. 'But it is entirely your choice you see…. whether you will die or not…. '

'How?' Yu looked at the shinigami with glassy eyes; as if every hope was lost.

'But first, tell me human…. What day it is?'

'October 29th…' Yu said with much confusion.

'Not anymore….. It is the day 604800, 30th day in October in Human world….. That human boy, L…. his birthday is tomorrow.' Ryuk said, 'if his memory is not returned by midnight, he will lose his life and no Note will ever bring him back.' Ryuk said. 'You have two choices human….. Either you let the cause of all of your misfortune live, as the greatest sign of injustice in your life…. Or, you can claim your justice by giving him what he deserves….. The choice is yours.'

'I do not wish to take sermons of justice from the likes of you' but the last part of phrase startled her, _wasn't it the rule of nature… likes of him…. Death Gods, those suck up people's lives? Yu always believed that it was her, who killed her mom to live; it was her, who let her dad to go astray and die…. If she was a good daughter, she would have certainly prevented her dad…._

But she was alone in the room, the clock strike four and the faint blush of dawn, like a woman after the night with her lover, was already in the east.

….

The next morning brought no joy to Yu's heart as it would always after Ryu: how to look after him, what to cook for him, when to give him the medicines, but today, she felt a frustration she never felt before. A shame, a sense of dishonour and disgust filled her heart like the morning sun in the room. She unfolded her feet and looked at them…. Scarred and gashed…. _They were not healing after all these months…. Strange…._ But the hatred she felt inside her heart was very surprising. After all those years she was surprised she could feel anything at all, but then, she realised…. All those emotions in the world, which she couldn't feel, perhaps weren't the ones for her to feel. The emotion which suited her most was hatred…. HATRED. She had escaped from herself from feeling it…. Hatred for the abusive father, hatred for the relatives who abandoned her, hatred for all those people who had wronged her, she could feel now. _The hatred inside her was almost overwhelming, all these was unlocked by some cheap words of a death god….so what they say is correct. You really need to see the demons to feel inside yourself…. And they come to you at the very precise moment when all of you are drained._

She may have her mother's face and beauty, but her eyes were dark as her father's…. _And so was her heart, at last she realises._

 _So that's how profound hate was! It was not Yu whom Kenichi hated…. He only needed a conduit to channel his hatred, because he was angry to the world….. His fate…._

 _Onaji dayo otou-san…. Watashi to kimi. Watashi-tachi no kokoro, karada, kimochi…. Onaji…. (We are the same father, me and you! Our hearts, body and feelings, are the same. )_

She went downstairs to make breakfast; she cut the seasonal fruits for Ryu neatly and laid them on the table. While her miso was boiling in the stove, with glassy eyes she looked at the stove, and its eerie blue flames, unknowingly, the piece of paper, bearing L's name slowly descended on the fiery ring. The flames greedily licked the piece of paper as if they had smelled some delicious impurities and were ready to burn it down. The edge was already darkening…..

'Yu…'

With that little call, Yu came back to her senses…. It was Ryu standing at the door. Quickly she withdrew the burning paper from the fire and slapped it against the flat surface discreetly which put off the flames. She quickly turned Ryu's way to reply him.

'Yes?'

'I came here for I felt something was burning….' Ryu pointed at the miso soup beside her. Yu noted that the soup was beyond repair, and burnt charcoal black….. All her life, _she had never burnt or had to throw any food cooked by her._

'Are you all right?' Ryu slopped his way to the table, 'you look pale….'

'Yes I am fine….. I let the soup burn on purpose…. It was too salty, and I hate imperfect food' Yu wiped her face and hands in her apron, and sat with the rice only.

'That's cruel of you….. That is like killing a person you dislike to be with' Ryu forked his fruit salad, and abruptly Yu dropped her chopsticks.

'Guess I am not eating today, am I?' Yu got up straight and buried her fallen chopsticks on her rice, and when she saw what she has done, she alarmingly plucked them out.

….

Yu sat in her room, curtains closed; she sat like as if she waited for the last judgement. _To be or not to be…._ She knows she should kill her mother's killer…. Or at least who led her to death, but then again, revenge was never the answer…. in literature, in reality, revenge only created more reasons for revenge, and she should not kill a living-breathing person for someone she didn't even met….

 _No Yu….. if it wasn't this man, your mother would be living…. Your mother would be living, your father wouldn't have gone crazy… you would have been happy…_

 _ **But what makes you think that if my mother lived, my father wouldn't have been gone astray…. Bad people do bad things because they can; it is natural and instinctive….**_

 _Don't be a fool…. You had always been too good, allow yourself a little hate, and you'll see how good it feels….. Oh, so you like to hate… how fascinating…. Allow yourself Yu, let yourself loose, kill him…. Kill L, and have the ultimate justice…._

'NO! STOP IT…' Yu screamed with her head clutched, 'stop it….. Stop it….' She stomped to the wall, where the paper-cutting hung, and she tore it apart….

'You'll pay…. _You'll pay L Lawliet…you'll pay with your blood….._ '

Yu stood up, the piece of paper well hidden in her dress…. She slowly went out of her room, and down the stairs, but she was startled with a familiar voice.

'Yu…?' Ryu…. No, L called from her back, 'where are you going?'

'To the library…..' Yu said spontaneously, without answering him the usual way, and she turned to him, _and my god! What a great surge of hatred she felt when she saw his face, oblivious of the great sin…_ 'You take care…..' and unknowingly, and crooked evil smile hid under the shadow of her long lock.

Once outside house, Yu kept walking and walking…. She didn't know where she was walking or where she was suppose to go, she kept walking and walking but she could not find her answer, and when all hopes seemed to be lost, she was standing in the midst of the cemetery.

 _Why is it every time I end up here… first Misa, then Ryu, then my dad's deathday, and now…._

 _Strange…. As if my destiny is tied to the graveyard like the Reapers…. Those live on human lives…_

'You are a strange girl…. Every time I see you I feel strange….' A raspy voice spoke from the back, which she recognised as Ryuk's.

'What is strange? I am like a piece of meat consuming which will sustain your lifespan…..' Yu said dispassionately, to which the Shinigami laughed hard.

'Ha-ha…. You are right… humans are pieces of meat…. But you,' Ryuk came to her front, 'you are special…. Ever wondered why all those people died who tried to harm you?'

'Not all are dead… you are mistaken….'

'Not all you silly girl… but those who wanted to control your lives…..'

Yu stood quite, _the reaper was correct, all those who wanted to control over her life was dead…. Her mother, father, a few relatives, her former abusive chemistry teacher…._

'Think about it….' And with a gust wind, he disappeared, and the paper in Yu's clutch shook a bit. With the wild wind, Yu let go of the paper bearing L's name.

 _Justice will be served…._


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 8: Her Sacrifice, His Breath (Gisei to Iki)**

 _ **"Why it is always like this... When I am alive, you are not?"- ~IndraniFOREVER~**_

 _Human shinigami….._

Recently most of the people she had met died instantly…

 _No… that's just coincidence, that reaper is messing with my mind…._

Yu looked at the sky; she had currently lost the track of time of how long she had been standing. The sky was bleeding in the west, and after the blood, the bruise-like shadow. When the darkness fell, she did not sense that she had avenged her family, but the same feeling that she had always felt guilt. The overpowering hatred was now replaced by old guilt.

 _She is the murderer of her own family…._

'Oh god….. What I have done!'

Yu's chest hurt, the soreness was increasing and the feeling of a deadly corset fastening itself to her death was reviving again. She wanted to cry but could not; she could never cry even when she is heartbroken or shattered. Her eyes drifted upwards and she bent her neck up to her extreme point. Her eyes were blank and glassy; the sky was dark…. There was not a single star tonight. There was a huge vacuum in her heart as she raised her pale and scratched hands towards the dark sky only to let it fall limply. The thought of L dying by midnight did not, even for a moment brought comfort in her heart; instead she felt that with the piece of paper, she actually let a piece of her go to decompose.

'Yu…..'

She heard a faraway voice, and she knew it was L who was coming for her, _after all this time_. She felt that he has not yet seen her. She started to walk further inside the graveyard to find a large headstone where she could hide, but the voice grew louder and louder and his footsteps clearer, and with every footstep Yu dissolved more into the darkness, and finally found shelter behind the angel statue.

 _Please…. She cannot see him right across the eye…._

 _Please L, go somewhere else, what you are seeking is not here!_

'YU…' the voice, loud yet soothing drifted towards her…. L appeared to be very close to the statue, 'I know that you are out here somewhere…..' the footsteps stopped. He was standing in front of the statue behind which Yu hide under the cover of darkness.

'I know you are out here somewhere…. I feel it….'

 _I know…. That is why I am dreaded to meet you…._

'Yu…. ' The name coming out of his lips always shakes her very essence as if her names was always etched in his memory and engraved in heart, 'answer me….'

 _No I can't….. I can't_

'Alright then….' L sounded defeated 'I was nearly 97% sure that you would be here…. Maybe I was too confident. Sometimes humans are hard to read, especially introverts and well, hopeless people like me…. I think I should try other places….'

Yu's heart wrenched in pain, it was different than the previous physical pain; he was physically weak, vulnerable and had scant memories of who he was, the world was a complete stranger to him. He could have had a seizure or panic attack and yet….

He risked his life to find where Yu was…..

Until his memory returned, she was his only family

 _And he was hers…._

 _And there was she, beguiled by a filthy Reaper, and letting him die…._

Yu stood up on her feet. _No, he cannot die just yet, and she couldn't just let him die._ Memories sometimes lie; when they are warped by fear or exaggerated by emotions and imaginations, they are not always the usual depiction of a person's past, neither a person's past their present.

She was too preoccupied in the past, L's death and her misery that she forgot the lessons the Life Note has taught her…..

 _Every life is sacred and worth saving….._

 _Even if L was responsible for her mother's death, she will let him live…. If it is his destiny to suffer then, he will suffer by default, but she will certainly not decide for him._

Yu was firm and steadfast now. Never in her life had she found such strength. In the dark she ventured and went through every nook and cranny she could sense in the bleak light, but she could not find it anywhere…. It must have flown with the wind. Yu was so preoccupied with her search that she had completely lost the track of time. Even it was a rather chilly night in October; warm stream of sweat was running through her whole body. She almost collapsed near the clock tower of the cemetery, which now indicated that it was 20 minutes to midnight.

It was impossible, even if she found the paper, it was impossible to deliver to L by this short time….. He could be anywhere! And even if he was home, it is exactly 20 minutes walk from the Cemetery.

'It's gone forever…' Yu buried her head in her knees. The clock-tower light on her shoulders, she sat there, prostrate and frigid, like the tombstones around her.

'What is it little girl….. It is quite late to wander around these grounds….' An old male voice drifted across her. He addressed her as if she was his familiar. Yu could hear his slow footsteps nearing towards her, 'you seem sad….. Are you lost my dear?'

'You could say so…. ' Yu said 'I am lost…. Because I have let go of the most important thing of my life.'

To her reply…. The old man softly laughed, 'oh you precious child…. We all make mistakes one way or another in our lives and sometimes we separate from our loved ones, but remember always child,' his tone became sombre 'in God's world, everything has its own unique way of coming around. We are his reflections, and the people we meet in our lifetimes are the parts of our reflections, defining who we are. We meet time and time again with ourselves and it goes on and on until we have identified all of the particles of our soul in the mirror of others-'

'What if we die before that?'

'We are reborn…. '

Yu's heart almost leaped out of her chest with the word 'reborn', _what if everything was not a coincidence, what if L's rebirth is meant to be…. What if he is the piece of someone else's soul meant to be identified with its origin, what if his identification was not complete and he was born again in this world to-_

'Human soul is like a raindrop from the heaven which scatters into many pieces as it hits the ground and each scattered piece is a soul with a body. The purpose of the human life is to be that whole raindrop again. And when we do, our soul is freed from earthly pains and like the raindrop travelling upwards with the warmth of the sunlight, we return home….'

'What if there is no home… what if there is no God up there….'

'What if there _is_ a God up there, waiting for us to return home like a loving parent waiting for his child after a long day of playing?'

'In my life, nobody waited for me…. Nobody….'

'Maybe they did, maybe it is you, too blinded by misery and dark past, failed to see it…. Sometimes the answer we seek they are right in front of us, but we are too afraid of our failures to acknowledge it…. Open your eyes child….'

Yu finally raised her head, she wanted to thank the old man who had talked with her, but she could see no one, even if there was someone, he had just gone away silently.

 _Open your eyes child…._

Wild winds send chilly shivers down her spine and stamped something with her leg. She bent down to see what it was, to her greatest surprise; she had found the torn piece of Death Note which had L's name on it. It seems life itself has given her a second chance to prove herself, and she will.

Yu looked at the clock tower…. It was only five minutes to midnight!

She could feel her surrounding no more, like whirlwind, they dissolved in a blur, and she ran as if it was her last, like Death herself was chasing her, her eyes scanning only one….

 _Please…. Please…. Hold on, hold on…._

 _This is not your end…. This cannot be your end…. The world needs your justice…._

Like the frantic whisper from that night of insanity, the chant of his name graced her desperate lips, a needlepoint worth of moment can cost a colossal amount. No…. for the first time of her life, she will hope with all her might, for the first time, she will not lay on her chest on the ground, tasting mud of defeat, for the first time….

She will be brave enough to be brave, strong enough to be strong.

'RYU…..' she screamed at the top of her lungs to the man standing walking away at the other side of the street, which has not faded from the bustling traffic even in such an ungodly hour. Her whole body was on fire, and her hands shook like strewn leaves. Ryu turned his head towards her. His depressed eyes showed a flicker of joy and relief.

'RYU….. COME I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU-'

 _DONG….._

 _DONG….._

 _Ten seconds…._

Ryu did not reply verbally, but cupped his left ear in a gesture that he could not hear her.

 _DONG…._

 _DONG…._

 _DONG…._

 _Seven seconds….._

'RYU…. WAIT FOR ME I AM COMING…..'

 _Crash….._

'YUUUUUU…..'

L's scream was heard over everything. The traffic was in astray as there lay a young girl, bloodied in the middle of the street, with a piece of paper firmly clutched in her fist. L sank on the pavement and barely crawled towards her and took her head in his chest, causing his white shirt to be blood-smeared.

 _DONG…. DONG….DONG…_

'Hey…. Yu, are you alright?' he soothingly yet brokenly whispered, 'stay with me okay…..'

'I don't…. I don't… have much time' Yu managed to blather, 'Hurry up…. Take the…. Take the paper…. '

'But Why…. But all of a sudden?' Ryu was confused. 'Relax, I will take you to the hospital, and everything will be fine… it's just a stinging pain…' Ryu started to caress her blood-smeared and sweaty head

'Don't as…..ask…. questions….. You are…. Not…sick… after all….' Yu's voice was muffled 'it…was… all because…. You…. Used…. That stupid…. Black…. Notebook…..' Yu steadfastly grabbed L's hand and placed on the paper, and like chain reaction Yu could realise, the paper was returning L's memory back. A surging feeling of strength filled inside her.

'look…. At…. Me…. Ryu…. look' Yu panted under her breath and interlocked her black eyes with his deep onyx.

 _DONG…_

 _A helpless looking messy haired boy looked upwards at the snowy sky, as a suited old man held out his hand. 'Don't be afraid…. Come with me….'_

… _._

 _He was a little bigger now as he was seen inside a huge house, as the other kids played, he sat quietly in a dark corner, looking at a leafless oak tree, and matching it with a lines of some poem…._

 _ **When palsy shakes a few sad last gray hair, when youth grows pale, spectre thin and dies**_

' _Tell me U, is palsy some kind of tree with gray hair instead of leaves?' he quietly asked to a person, to which the person answered in a feminine voice 'no…. Palsy is a disease and the way it makes the old people's hair fall is as fast as the trees shed leaves in autumn….. Like that Oak tree you see.' the person pointed him at the tree._

… _._

 _The same messy haired boy, was immersed in great deal of study; Chemistry, Mathematics, Physics, Anatomy, Microbiology; piles of books were stacked across him, and at the same time, he was solving the most hardcore cases in the world. He was a skilled invigilator, observer and a polyglot, knowing at least ten languages._

… _._

Then Yu saw the horrid memory in which L ignored her mother's last pleas. But the outcome was different. _After the screen was shut down, L threw his computer away and flung his arms around himself to let out a cry that felt like a child getting scared by the sight of ghosts and a wounded animal, screaming…. 'MAMORU….. I AM SORRY…. I AM SORRY….'_

… _._

 _It was a hotel room and everyone was flashing ids… 'Chief Soichiro Yagami…. Matsuda… Mugi…. Ukita…. Aizawa…..' and to the reply, a raven-haired pale youth made a hand gesture of a gun and pointing at the officers as 'BANG….'_

' _If I were Kira, you would be dead Mr. Soichirou Yagami, chief of the NPA'_

 _Then the scene fast forwarded to the point when he was scratching his ankle with his feet, confirming his identity._

' _I am L….'_

… _._

'Thank…. God…. ' Yu whispered as her eyes drooped, 'My…. Ink…. Wasn't a…. waste then…. ' she looked at L dreamily, 'I…. always…. Knew… that… it can't be…. You…. Who was…' before she could speak further, she coughed blood and her body felt feverish,

'So…. Who are…. You…. Ryu?' she asked with a sense of finality in her tone.

'I….. Am… L...' his answer was as earnest as his calling of her name.

 _DONG_

' _Why it is always like this…. When I am alive, you are not…. And when you are I am not?'_

* * *

 **One question:**

 **Who might be the old man in the graveyard? answer me in reply.**

 **and in case you don't know, the lines "fancy doesn't cheat so well" and "When Palsy shakes" are taken from the poem _Ode to A Nightingale,_ by my favorite poet: John Keats. I was watching a film named 'Bright Star' the other day, which was actually on John Keat's life, and the poet's life was so sad, and he was so tender and romantic... it gave me all the feels. I originally did not intend to add poetry, but then I thought: Why not? We know barely anything about L, so it is expected that he has something in his past which is quite unexpected.**

 **I am sorry if too much literature is boring you... but hey, can't help it! R &R&R**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 9: Her Purpose, His Wish (Mokuteki to Negai)**

 _ **"And this is why I sojourn here, Alone and palely loitering.**_

 _ **Though the sedge has withered from the lake and no bird sing"-**_

 _ **~John Keats, La Belle Dame sans Merci~**_

'Somebody….. Somebody…. Help me….. ' a whimper escaped L's lips. His shirt was smeared with Yu's blood, his face clammy and lost as he looked at Yu's contorted face. His mind, body, brain, rationality, logic, everything vanished within moments; he was now but an empty, hollow corpse. He felt nothing except the most horrific experience he had ever felt as L…..

When he faced Kira, and everyone around him was dying.

'Yu…. Is, going to die…..' he took her head helplessly, smearing his face with her blood, as if trying to grasp the fleeting life in her body.

But something was happening around him. Some people were scrambling around him, but it wasn't part of his conscious observation. Somebody pushed him away to move Yu to the ambulance and he followed like a puppet on strings. He ran after the stretcher that carried Yu and before they parted their ways, Yu's hand weakly grabbed L's index finger, but soon became detached for the motion.

For the first time, L managed to grasp a little of his cognitive intelligence. But it was only for the worse. He raised his hand, smeared with fresh blood that was browning near his finger-tips and wrist. He was lost…. Not because he was in the brink of despair for losing the only person who genuinely cared for him, despite a stranger, but because he was reminded of the profound truth of his existence.

He had always strived for justice, no matter what. He was a man of prosperity, who always believed the end defines the means when it came to justice, but he had forgotten how many lives he had sacrificed in the course of his goal.

He was no different than Kira….

'It's my fault'… he sank in the ground with his head buried between his knees, pondering and brooding over his past.

… _. Doctor…. Please call Dr. Kujo here, we have an emergency…._

… _. Nurse, oxygen and engage saline….. We have a major blood-loss here…_

…. _Oh no…. she is pregnant, and we have to get her immediately in labour….._

… _. Oh my god…. This is worse than I expected._

….

 _Watari was fixing his bow tie both looked serious. 'There you go, Master L, you are done….'_

 _L was emotionless as always, placid and calm. He looked at Watari who had turned towards the full length mirror to fix his boutonniere, lowering his eyes slightly, as he would in a very calculative situation, he finally managed to say what he intended to say for so long._

' _Watari…. Is it necessary…? All this flamboyance and everything you are doing now?' he asked quitetly._

' _Why Master L…' Watari answered assertively as he always does, 'I thought you had always admired her more than anyone else in the world, more than me, so to say!' He stuffed the white scarf under his collar and tried to fetch the brooch._

' _You are making an attack on me?' L asked humourlessly,_

' _Why would you think of such a thing L-kun?' Watari said sternly_

' _Don't pretend I didn't know that you did not like her mixing with me so much…. You said it personally that she was getting the better of me.' L turned and crouched on the chair to reluctantly put on the socks._

' _Yes I did….' Watari said fixing his brooch sitting over the white silk scarf on the neck, 'and I saw everyday how it affected you. You have such a rare intellectual capability and I cannot just sit back and watch that being wasted on some frivolous girl.'_

' _Was she that frivolous when she took care of me? Or she had always been that frivolous and you only put up with her so that she could be used as my nanny?' L said quietly._

' _WATCH YOUR TONGUE!' Watari thundered, and then he retreated to his usual composed self._

 _A moment of silence had followed. Watari slowly turned to see his ward hunching quietly over his untied dress shoe._

' _Tell me son….. Do you see your nanny as a woman?' Watari's voice shook a little._

 _L gave no answer and tried to avoid Watari's eyes, but one stern word stopped him on his feet._

' _L, I asked you a question and you cannot turn your back on me!'_

 _To which L turned, and Watari swore he never saw such air on L. on surface he looked calm and dispassionate as he always looked, but it concealed a cold fury._

' _From now one, I will do everything you ask me to, but one.' He looked as his adopted father straight 'I will never answer that question… not to you, or the world….I will be what you expect me to be and without complain, but one…. I will never be that person who completely obliterated her out of the mind. I will be the greatest name of justice as you want me to be, but one….. I will never be the one of my name; I will never be God…' L came a little closer, 'that is my promise to you.' He solemnly turned his back and walked away from the room._

 _He didn't know where he was walking, but walking down the corridor, he heard some girly chatting coming from the other side of the door at the right. Without thinking he knocked, and some girl opened the door. And there he saw her…. Dressed in white_

 _She was getting dressed like a queen. She only hoisted two of her arms; the rest was being done by at least five people: two people helped her into her opera gloves, one fixed the drapes of her gown, one fixed her veil and one was fixing the makeup. Someone whispered something in her ear and she waved her hands, so everyone was out of the room at the instant. The moment the door was closed, the bride swiftly turned towards L…. It was Mamoru._

' _Oh my…. Look who had turned up.' She smiled at him, eyeing him fondly 'you look handsome El….' She bends to kiss L's cheek but L withdrew his face from her, which shocked her a little._

' _What's the matter El?' she extended her hand to touch his cheek but L whispered to her to stop it._

' _What's the matter El? Had Watari said something to you…..? I will fetch and scold him….' Mamoru pouted then smiled, 'now tell me what's bothering you…. And look!' Mamoru looked at L's neck, 'what a hideous job he has done with your tie… come let me fix it….'_

 _L however softened up and let Mamoru retouch his tie, every touch from her fingertips was fiery on him, it had always been like that. When he came to understand the difference between male and female, from that very moment, he had fantasized to be Mamoru's groom. He had started to love her so deeply, that sometimes he forgot that he was more than El, who was madly in love with her. His dream of seeing Mamoru in a bridal gear was fulfilled, but not the way he had imagined: his beloved is going to become someone else's bride. His heart, that fluttered in joy with her slightest touch, was now crumbling into pieces; L in a very intimate level was a very sensitive person, easily hurt, easily discouraged. That is why; he was always protected by Watari._

' _El… What is it?'_

 _L did not answer her straightaway. Mamoru smiled at him, and huffed, 'remember Ellie, when you were a little tyke you liked poems…. Pity Watari did not let you further. He thought they were only fairy tales, and disturbed your mathematical mind.'_

' _But you still love poems don't you….. I saw you sneaking Keats the other day….'_

' _You saw right….. I was reading Keats the other day' L lifted his face, 'I was preparing for something….' He said in such a way which was tinted with more of sarcasm, rather than an optimistic way. Mamoru smiled her most beautiful, and managed her way down on the settee, 'well…. What was it? Was it the wedding speech?'_

' _It is for you to decide' L said, 'it is fairly out of context…. But if you could spare few moments, I would like to know your opinion about it….you see, Keats is something I cannot mess around with, after all you adore him more than I do.'_

' _Well, enough of introduction….. I cannot wait to hear it….' Mamoru chimed. L unnaturally straightened his back and looked at her stormy gray eyes._

" _ **I met a lady in the meads,  
Full beautiful, a fairy's child;  
her hair was long, her foot was light,  
and her eyes were wild.**_

 _ **She found me roots of relish sweet,  
And honey wild, and manna-dew,  
And sure in language strange she said—  
'I love thee true'.  
**_

 _ **And there she lullèd me asleep,  
And there I dreamed—Ah! Woe betide!—  
The latest dream I ever dreamt  
On the cold hill side…..**_ _"_

 _Mamoru slowly started to rise, she knew this poem, it was 'La Belle Dame Sans Merci'. Not only she knew it, it was her favourite poem. What surprised her more that the way L edited the poem sounded exactly how she and the baby L had first met…._

' _El, what are you-'_

' _No… I am not finished yet….' L stopped her at the instance and a slight crookedness at the corner of his mouth looked quite unnatural._

"… _ **.I saw pale kings and princes too,  
Pale warriors, death-pale were they all;  
They cried—'LA BELLE DAME SANS MERCI  
HATH THEE IN THRALL!'**_ _"_

 _ **Slap**_

 _His face shook, her eyes glowered. His eyes were in shock, her beauteous face filled with anger._

' _How dare you…..' Mamoru harshly whispered 'after all I have done for you…. After everything I had done for you and you reward me with this? Sparring with my emotions?'_

' _So that's how it is?' L quietly chimed, 'that's how a gentle snowflake turns into a shard of ice?'_

' _What these are all about?' Mamoru's voice was shaking 'Answer me El….'desperately she went towards L 'ANSWER ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?' she desperately shook him by the shoulder, 'WHY YOU ARE TRYING TO RUIN MY SPECIAL DAY? WHY AM I THE MERCILESS LADY?'Mamoru broke into tears and threw her veil off her head. But L was quite. Then he began to shake like a stray leaf._

' _I love you…. U' and he looked up at her, which made her go weak in the knees and she almost fell on the chair as the tone of his voice astonished her…. L never spoke of any emotions, never. Mamoru knew his 'love' wasn't just a comforting adoring kind of term; it was a full-blown romantic man-woman kind._

' _El…. I have brought you up; it is wrong, take it back-'_

 _L did not answer, but instead with a stoic coldness said 'so… you don't love me?'_

' _I didn't say I don't love you… it's just not that kind of love-'_

' _Kenichi has a lot of money I hear… he is an entrepreneur, is that what you mean?'_

' _El… that's horrible! What are you saying? Haven't I told you that money cannot be brought onto the same page as love? Besides, Kenichi or no Kenichi, I love you more than anyone in the world. Nobody, not even my fiancée can take your place…. I-I' the tears were running with dark eyeliners and mascara 'I have given my everything to you… you-you… how can you-'_

' _Then why won't you live with me forever… why did you promised that we will be together forever?' L's voice was soothing and placid, but concealed a pain which wrenched Mamoru's heart._

' _El, this is irrational. I am a normal human, and I want to have a family, settle down, be loved-'_

' _Weren't we enough of a family? Me, you, Watari, Roger… '_

 _A deafening silence followed again._

' _I must ask you to leave…. Elijah…' Mamoru wiped her eyes that were ruined by her tears._

' _You have no right to call me "Elijah" from today…..'L said with finality, 'forgive me for my impudence but today, I cannot congratulate you, be happy with in your happiness, or give you any sort of blessing…. But bear this in mind…. I bestow all the misfortune upon you. May you be unhappy forever.'_

 _L left without any word, his shoulder hunched with the burden of despair._

… _._

 _L was sitting inside his green Rolls Royce, it was raining outside. Watari had forbidden him come out until he is called. Under the film of swift waterfall on the side window, he could see a tall and good featured man and Watari were following the hoards of doctor busy taking in a woman, full bellied and covered with blood._

 _Mamoru Namikawa nee Yukimura. She had been held victim in the Los Angeles BB serial murder case. BB or Beyond Birthday had captured her to break L's willpower and she was injured in her head and neck, had broken bones on the top of being pregnant in an advanced stage. L had seen so many morbid cases, but this particular one was hard on him. Thus Watari told him to stay in the car. But after seeing Mamoru being carried away, he couldn't wait any longer. Drenching himself in the rain, he went inside the hospital premises._

' _You…. You DIRTY LITTLE BASTARD… YOU KILLED MY WIFE… YOU KILLED MY WIFE' Kenichi rammed L against the wall, he stood limp and helpless under Kenichi's grips, Watari restrained him immediately._

' _Mr. Namikawa…. Please, this a hospital…. You need to calm down' with great effort, Watari pulled him down._

' _If anything happens to Mamo, I will KILL YOU…..' Kenichi snarled under his breath, and at that point, L slowly sank on the floor._

 _At that precise moment, the doctor came outside and as soon as they saw him, Watari and Kenichi rushed to him. 'What is it Doctor…. How is she?'_

 _L could see the doctor very quiet, then after a long moment of silence, he spoke._

' _Mrs. Namikawa is calling for someone-'_

 _Before the doctor could finish, Kenichi rammed his way towards the ICU as L could see. L got up his feet and went to Watari._

' _Watari… for one last time….'_

' _No….. She is already with her husband, the one she loves the most…. You will not go inside. Stay here with me.' Watari sternly commanded but L didn't budge to listen. He swiftly made his way to the ICU and pressed his palms against the glass. All those words he had said to her in the wedding day were coming back to her. Of course he was nowhere religious or superstitious as Mamoru (although she was a surgeon at that time), but he couldn't help but to feel that his curse has taken the shape. A painful jolt he felt in his chest. He could not hear a thing, but he could see while Kenichi was crying on her hand, she gave a glassy look on the person outside the glass door._

 _Next the doctors came and brushed Kenichi off Mamoru and L off the door and took her to the operation theatre._

 _That was the last time he had saw Mamoru._

 _Passing by him, she had steadfastly grabbed L's dainty hand and smeared it with her blood. L looked at his hands…. And felt as Macbeth would have felt after his first murder….._

' _Will my white tears wash your red, red blood… never…..I broke your heart, and you gave your life bleeding for me….'_

… _._

' _I hear the bell….' He looked up at the cloudy sky, 'the bell is unusually loud today, and I find it very distracting' sad, Light took the 'bell' so literary… whereas he was reminded of the something else entirely, whose beauty few can understand, and very few can grasp….. The voice of his one and only departed love was ringing in his ears… Mamoru used to read Keats' 'Ode to a Nightingale' whenever it rained. The last stanza, which she called 'the transition to other world', L could finally understand at that point…. He knew, soon he will be parting ways with the world._

' _ **Forlorn! The very word is like a bell, to toll me back from thee to my sole self…. Adieu, the fancy cannot cheat so well, as she is famed to do, deceiving elf!'**_

' _I wonder if it's a church or a wedding….' Wedding…. Funeral….. Church…. Faith…. So futile, so remote…. It cannot even restore peace after so long. He often wondered, was there any real justice in the world?_

' _I'm sorry…. Nothing I say makes any sense any way….' And Light thought it was the 'bell' or other stuff. Sad, so sad…. If the world knew, how he felt right now…. 'If I were you I wouldn't believe any of it.' If only he could have not believed that someone so beautiful and kind existed, Mamoru…._

 _Every word,_

 _Every breath,_

 _Every gesture,_

 _Every thought,_

… _. Was her…. And her only…._

" _Elijah… as God…."_

 _He was no god….._

….

'Excuse me…. Are you the one who had brought Miss Namikawa?' a male voice called him professionally.

'Yes…. ' L replied with his face buried in his knees, but then he raised his face to see the doctor, 'how is she doing?' his voice was heavy and moist, but the doctor did not answered.

'Well….?' L got up on his feet, his voice dispassionate. 'I asked you how she is doing.' His voice was stern and cold.

'She…. She is in a comatose now…. ' The doctor slowly replied, 'I am sorry, but there is not much good to say….' he turned to L compassionately 'she is facing a rapid body shutdown, and her left side is paralysed-' he halted stop to see and feel L's condition. His face desperately tried not to break into tears which it hid behind the mask of hopelessness.

'Anything else?' L asked so coldly that it was heartbreaking.

'Um…. That would be all….' The doctor said, 'It is late…' his voice was soft with kindness 'why don't you go home? We'll notify you if… if anything happens…'

'No… I am fine…. ' L replied lowering his eyes, 'thank you for your service…'

'Anytime….' The doctor left without any further word.

L was alone in the pale corridor, the light above him flickered which caused an ominous fear inside him. For the first time he felt he was a failure, a useless creature. He felt like he was standing in a battleground where everyone was dead, except him; he was the last one standing.

 _U?….. Watari? Is anyone there? Can anyone here me?_

He was in a terrible shape, like a child lost in crowd, toppling over his toes and craning his neck to find his mother…. He couldn't voice up to call anyone… he knew, no one will be there for him.

Because L was dead…. He wasn't there anymore.

He was startled into life as the nearby Hospital payphone rang loudly. He looked prostrately at it, when it was received by a matron. He went to it, and steadfastly tried to dial, but nothing happened.

'Here…. ' An elderly doctor put a coin inside the slot, 'now try…..' all L could saw was a wrinkled fair hand protruding from a white loose sleeve. Unknowingly, the sight of his hand calmed L enough to dial the only number he could remember.

' _Hello…. Who is that?'_ a voice called from the other side of the receiver. The voice acted as the trigger to release all the pent up frustration inside L. his mouth agape, eyes moist and throat felt too swollen to talk, but with the remaining strength which was not yet spent to support his despair pushed him a little further, bit by bit. He closed his lips and his eyes widened like a man before his death.

'Matsu…da….'

' _Who….are you?_ ' the voice over the receiver sounded scared and almost terrified, ' _Can you tell me who are you?_ '

'Ryu….. it's Ryu….' L clung to the name which made him survive.

' _Ryu? Who Ryu?_ '

'Ryuuzaki…..'

' _Ryuuzaki? RYUUZAKI? IS IT TRUE? My God…..OI, MUGI… AIZAWA…. UKITA…. YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHO IS CALLING….. IT'S RYUUZAKI… IT'S RYUUZAKI…_ '

L always sort of condescended on Matsuda's simple minded nature; to him these people don't survive much long. However seeing only the dark part of the life does not make one a realist, but a pessimist- hope, faith these things may be luxury to some people, but today, what L appreciated most was nothing but Matsuda's cherry aboriginal voice, blaring through the receiver where he gathered his colleagues to notify about the long lost L, although in pseudonym.

' _Stop Matsuda… you're barking mad…. Ryuuzaki left seven years ago when Kira case was wrapped up… why will he call now?_ ' Surely Aizawa responded, despite his pain, L couldn't help but to feel a little happy.

' _But it's true, Aizawa-san….. You ask him by yourself…. I know his cool voice anywhere….'_ Matsuda practically bubbled with excitement.

'Hello, Aizawa….' L said to the receiver

' _Blimey….. Ryuuzaki?_ ' Aizawa sounded thunderstruck, but for several seconds L did not replied, despite he was asked several questions.

' _Ryuuzaki…. Are you all right?_ ' Matsuda was back in the receiver again.

'I can't….. Breathe…..' the line was cut because the duration of the call was over.

The blood was drying in his shirt and it felt crisp as he resumed in a vertical foetal position, balancing himself on the palms of his feet, burring his head again between his knees. He couldn't breathe anymore or he had completely forgotten how to inhale the air, as if, as if he was inside the jaws of some terrifying monster, and he bled until-

'RYUUZAKI…' the familiar voice boomed in front of him. L raised his head to look at the speaker, but before he could reply, the speaker pulled him to a standing position and then into a rib crushing hug….. So typical of Matsuda. Although it was quite inappropriate in between two grown men, who were once in a platonic and professional relationship, L didn't let him go, he wanted to savour this rare human contact. He was in ruins and Matsuda was at least helping him to gather the pieces.

'What happened to you huh? And why are you covered in blood?' Matsuda thundered 'where have you been? Did you eat? Are you hurt…? My god you look dreadful…. You said you can't breathe…. EXCUSE ME, WE NEED A DOCTOR HERE-'

'MATSUDA!'

'I thought you were …..' Matsuda's eyes teared up, 'I had to come to check on you …. Cause it's you dammit!' The last words came out barely as a whisper.

'Well…. Do I look like an imposter?' L answered dispassionately, which brewed an awkward pause.

'What happened Ryuuzaki? Where have you been and why are you here?' Matsuda asked.

'It's complicated….' L said 'You won't understand probably, and if I tell you, I hardly presume you would believe it.'

'Like when you used to tell Light was Kira?' Matsuda said sadly 'but I understand you I guess…. I am geared for listening to reply, not to understand.'

'I am wrecking now Matsuda…..' L had to muster divine courage to utter it.

'Don't worry Asahi….. Matsui is here….' Matsuda patted his back and remembering the old day when L had called Matsuda to fish him out of danger, L's chin was up. He couldn't have believed that anyone will understand him beside Watari…. Or Yu, but when he was proved wrong, he felt somehow relieved. For a moment the pain wasn't so great anymore.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 10: Her Prayer, His Answer (Inori to Kotae)**

" _ **I'll come back when you call me, no need to say goodbye" ~Regina Spektor~**_

Perhaps he had dozed off for so long that the pain wasn't hurting anymore. As he had taken a heavy dose on Narcotics and slept for oblivion, but then again… suddenly the pitch back became red all over and everything went concentrated over one eye…. _One blazing red eye_

 _Time to go…._

'Ryuuzaki….' L felt a slight push at his shoulder, looking at his side, he saw Matsuda, waiting by him, patiently, but he wasn't the only one, there was a doctor standing nearby, looking down at L.

'Mr. Ryu…. ' The doctor attempted an awkward start; L looked at him with drained eyes, 'I don't think I can break it more easily than I am but…. You might want to see Miss Namikawa, she only has an hour.'

Matsuda alarmingly looked at L, but he was calm, as if he was expecting it. Dragging their feet, they went to the ICU. Matsuda went inside to check on her, but before L could enter, the door tumbled close. With palms over the glass pane, he kept looking at her: her eyes closed, her soft lips chapped and pale, death was her bedside, ready to coronate her anytime with his mortal kiss. It felt like time hasn't gone by, it felt like he was asleep for so long a time that his nightmares kept playing and playing over again, the white room, the hospital, the graveyard, the ICU, her linen dress softly swishing back at her calf, the dark room with flicking red lights.

'Look… her lips are quivering…. ' he whispered, beyond the door, and hit the glass softly with his palm, which captured Matsuda's sight, and leaving Yu, he came to the door, 'Look Matsuda…' L pointed out with wide eyes, 'her lips…. Her lips are quivering….. her… her lips' L hurried to her, with a wild expression 'U…. you will be fine, U…. what are you saying' he lowered his ears to her lips, 'U….'

'RYUUZAKI!' Matsuda finally broke out with agonized tears and shook him by his shoulders 'Ryuuzaki…. She cannot talk… she cannot….'

L's expression was beyond changed, he looked at the verge of madness, his eyes were wild and rolling, and with a crazed smile he said 'but she said she'll be alright…. Look Matsuda look-'

 _Slap..._

'Stop it Ryuuzaki...' Matsuda whispered with agony and dragged him out of the way. L followed him, but his eyes were vacant, lifeless and surrendered. He was tracing the air with his delicate finger; as if he was caressing his lover's face... humming softly a tune which Matsuda never knew.

...

 _It was a funeral march; Mamoru's last ceremony. A casket was being carried by Roger, Watari, F of Wammy's house, L and Kenichi, Mamoru's husband. The shadow of madness was already upon him. L knew that his pain was more than Kenichi, but he wasn't allowed to show—he was a stranger to his U. He cannot be close enough like her husband, could he?_

 _Before the last rites started, the other Wammy children gathered up in black clothes, to offer her a requiem...L knew this song... if any former or current Wammy children dies, they will be awarded with this same last song. L scolded the tears that came in his eyes: he couldn't let that fall... he was not Kenichi... U did not love him._

 _In fact, he killed her._

 _ **Dormite liberi,**_ _(Sleep freely,)_ _ **  
Dulci pueri dormite, caloria et,**_ _(Dream sweetly, in the warmth and)_ _ **  
Comodus Vester lecti boni.**_ _(comfort of your bed.)_

 _He bowed his head in shame, as her casket was being carried into her grave. He saw Kenichi being dragged by the pastor, as he wanted to enter her grave—to join her in death. Watari consoled him, 'Mr. Namikawa, you have to live for your child...'_

 _L looked again at her grave, showered by July flowers, while the song played at the back,_

 _ **In somninum plati**_ _(Carried away in your sleep,)_

 _ **Floridus plena, dormite liberi**_ _(In a field of flowers, sleep easy)_

 _ **Dulci mei dormite**_ _(may you sweetly sleep)_

 _..._

L was walking away, walking away from the hospital to a path he didn't knew where it led. Matsuda followed him. He had no idea what was going on or how everything was now as it was. He was confused, but not as L. L didn't know why, of all people, he existed at all.

Who was he?

What was he?

There was no answer...

'Ryuuzaki...' Matsuda called, 'walking away isn't going to solve anything...'

L stopped. He was at a lonely street, where lights were flickering at the dead end of the night. 'How do you know? Have you tried not walking away?' he looked hopelessly, 'from the day we are born, we are all walking away... from pain, from bad experiences, from what pulls us down—aren't we?'

'We are...' Matsuda said calmly, 'it's called moving on... But what you are doing is called avoiding, escaping... which is not going to do anything-'

'Am I? Am I avoiding it?' L asked, his voice cracking, and then echoed with an exhale of a depressed steam 'oh yeah... I am. Why shouldn't I? Who am I not to escape from what is happening... isn't what every strangers do?'

'Are you a stranger? To her, are you a stranger?' Matsuda asked. L had to admit, his intelligence was poorly judged before: he was not intelligent by brain; he was intelligent by emotion, sympathy and his feelings for other people. However, L could not reply to Matsuda... because the same question he asked himself, over and over, and the answer did not came as he wished it to be.

Suddenly, beyond the darkness, he looked and he was standing at the opposite pavement of the rear entrance of Kanto Diocese Cemetery; where he first met Yu.

'Funny, how I am led from where it all started...' L said with an exhausted tone and started to move towards the other pavement, 'rain and tears washed the memory of this place... where she was standing... looking at me... feeling my heart...'

'What...? She found you here?' Matsuda said incredulously, 'But this is where-'

'Where what?'L asked him.

'At 14th of July, Misa-Misa called me in her apartment...' Matsuda told patiently, but looking at L's annoyance he blurted 'no... Listen... she told me about someone whose mother was buried here... someone named... Mamoru Namikawa-'

'How come you never told me that-' L asked with mild incredulousness.

'Sorry... didn't seem to be the right time... but no, listen... the women, Mamoru, whoever she is, and she has a weird epitaph... La.. La... Something with-'

'La Belle Dame Sans Merci...' L quietly said, 'Matsuda... take me there, now-'

They went to the centre of the burial ground, where at the east, the sky showed the sign of fading into light, L crouched over the headstone, and fondly touched the withered rose that was lying prostrate on the ground. With a shock, he was caught into some memory train, where he was trapped in some murky place, trying to break free and then a rotten hand pulled him up into the light of the thunder in the stormy night...

'Fair is fowl and foul is fair... hover through the fog and the filthy air' L mumbled on his own.

'Sorry?' Matsuda said increduled by his acts.

'What else... what else Misa told you?' L asked, without glancing.

'I don't really know... I was handed a letter afterwards, which I gave it to Miss Namikawa...' Matsuda comes closer, 'but the real mystery is, Misa's eyes were shining bright at her last moment, she said... "Matsu, you know today I saw someone who can do exactly the opposite of me... how beautiful isn't it? I have asked her for one last thing—I don't know whether she will keep my words or not"'

Exactly the opposite...

Wasn't Misa Amane Kira? Light Yagami's accomplice.

Does that mean...

Yu had a note, which could bring people to life, whoever's name written upon it?

A _Life Note..._

The light of realisation finally dawned upon him.

He was dead, he was at his grave. The murky feeling, being trapped, was all real... not a dream. His amnesia... then touching a piece of note, and suddenly remembering everything it all made sense. He was in the realm of death, and his soul was brought back into life by some fragile, unfortunate girl. Reminded of her words in her bedroom, L's eyes started to well up with tears...

" _Even if I didn't see him, talk to him, laugh with him, cry with him, touched him, listened to him, comforted him… I know that I love him, from the bottom of my heart…._ "

She was even ready to give up on her life to save him...

She wasn't a person who wanted to be with her beloved forever. She was a person who wishes their beloved protection from far away, like guardian angel. She was not just a girl... she was a parent; she is a protector, a cherished friend...

She was his goddess... his one-winged angel.

 _Elijah... as God._

 _Yu... as Courage_

L looked at the dark sky, the black shroud was withdrawing and revealing a little of the face of the new day. He could not give blessings to Mamoru at her happiest day, but she left the brightest gift at her death.

Another chance to live...

'I have to go home' L mumbled and started to run, the only name rang in his lips in the night of insanity was the name he learned to know first, the name which etched his mind forever. There was no bell tonight, ringing silently in his ears forecasting some poetic death. There was a desperate urge to seek answers.

The answers he had been searching his whole life.

The answers made of her Prayers... Y(u)'s prayers.

He busted the front door and rushed to Yu's room... if Misa's speculation was right, the notebook is going to be the exactly opposite looking. He will have to search for it... alas! He turned the room upside down but found absolutely nothing. He leaned his frame against the foot of Yu's bed.

'You won't make it human!' a sinister voice answered from the dark, 'by the first ray of day, she will be gone...'

'Ryuk... ' L said quietly without looking to the source of the voice 'I missed you too-', he said 'and no... I won't, I have to find it... it's the only way?'

'Why are you doing this?' Ryuk said, 'did you know she tried to dispose of the piece of death note so that she could kill you? But at the end, her weak heart couldn't bear the revenge-'

'I was never alive to start with... until my memories' L answered, 'so she is not guilty of anything. Without memory you are nobody.'

'Why are you doing this?'

'To save her... to tell her she is more than what she thinks of herself.'

'Why?'

'Because I love her'

A silence followed... and L could feel a pressure of the air was lifted off.

A very soft soothing voice of an old man followed unlike Ryuk's to L's surprise, 'Look around...'

L lifted his head and instantly saw a white notebook on the floorboard. Black creeping formation was condensing at the top of the white cover…. It looked like, some uneven writing with the brush, _like a rough calligraphy…._

 _Life Note…._

L read the instructions carefully and skimmed through all the names and people she saved... no emotions could comprehend how he felt, and then again, came a blank page... with only tiny inscription on top.

 _L Lawliet..._

 _This isn't the end; this cannot be your end…. The world needs your justice._

At that precise moment L became steady like he had never been. L was now determined and strong. He wasn't miserable anymore; he was comforted, strengthened within by a voice that echoed in his head when he was always lost. That voice always guided him through his worst, that voice whispered him words of comfort when he thought his world ended the day U died, that voice which rang like bell in his last moment.

That voice he heard for the first time when he rose from the grave.

She was always calling him.

She had _always_ been calling for him.

He needed to write, but the pen on the desk was empty. So he broke the window glass, and cut his hand with the shard. With the dripping blood and the empty refill, he wrote:

 _Yu Namikawa..._ _Your life isn't your alone anymore, its mine too. Come back, save me._

 _..._

Yu felt like she was floating in a dark steam, and suddenly she saw a speck of light and surfaced to a bright field. She never saw sun so bright and yet, so soothing. Although she had been in water, she wasn't soaked. She felt quite dry in her white eyelet lace nightgown she always wears. She turned back after hearing a sweet voice calling her name.

"Oka-san, is that you?"

"Yu... sweet girl, my darling baby" a woman stood there with gorgeous black waves, and bright gray eyes. She extended her arms and embraced her daughter.

"Ka-san... ka-san" Yu mumbled.

"shh... don't need to say anything..." Mamoru looked her in the eyes, "you have done great... you gave hopeless people hopes, happiness to the sad ones, I am proud, so proud of you."

"Ka-san... I missed you"

"Me too my sweet, me too" Mamoru softly smiled, "but I was always watching over you." Mamoru pointed at Yu's chest "right from here." She smiled again at her daughter's increduled expression, "you see, you and I had been sharing one body"

"How?" Yu asked "isn't a body supposed to have one soul?"

"Have you ever wondered how you were never mad how much Kenichi tortured you?"

Yu was now in a deep thought. Indeed yes, she always bore it with patience and strangely, guilt; as if she deserved it. Was it Mamoru getting beaten to contemplate how bad she hurt L where she should have been cleared up misunderstandings and gave him the opportunity to move on?

"Exactly Yu... That was my death wish to Kenichi..." Mamoru said sadly to Yu "he never hit you, he hit me, without his will, and it is me who ruined the men who meant the world to me: Mr. Wammy, Kenichi and L... and in this process, ended up damaging you... for my sorrow, I lost my precious time with you—I am glad that you are nothing like me."

"Ka-san... but now I can be with you right?"

Mamoru didn't answer rightaway, instead looked up at the sky where from the south a wild wind blew. Its roaring sound sounded like a storm.

"We humans are all connected to each other with a string. No matter how tangled it gets, how hard it is stretched, it never breaks... it is the thread that pulls the people who are tied for a single purpose" Mamoru philosophised.

"What is that?" Yu asked.

"It's the Call" Mamoru said, looking at the sky, "it's not your time here... you have to leave."

"but Ka-san... I want to be with you!" Yu desperately said "I finally found you... didn't I?"

"Sweetheart... you never lost me. Do what you did at the graveyard... you sacrificed yourself for a living human, not the one who is dead" Mamoru was desperate "Once dead, nothing matters to the person anymore, people die so that the living can carry on. Go sweetheart... he is calling you."

"Who? After all this time?"

"I decided to stay in your body because I thought he was calling for me. You freed me when you give yourself for him. He had always been calling for you... You both were too mortal to hear it... Your life was not mine, as this place is not for you, not right now."

"Ka-san"... a gust of wind was already sweeping Yu off her feet, "I don't want to- when will I see you again?"

"At the end of your time"

...

Yu's eyes shot open in the hospital. She ripped the IV chord that was transferring the drip in her body, and with her freed hand she felt her heart. It was beating. She looked around, and she saw herself in the hospital, and suddenly many things crossed her mind; accident, the last bell at twelve...

 _Ryu..._

"RYU... RYU" she screamed and made her way out of the ICU door, running through the corridor, as fast as she could. She heard the hospital stuff running behind her, but she was faster than them. She wasn't tired; with every step she gained new breath. Her life flashed past her eyes.

 _The miserable girl, whom everyone picked on, bullied and tortured._

 _The bruised feet and hand was only thing that was very true about her._

She lost the count how far she had run, until she realised she was at the middle of the road where she was last hit by a car. A faint yellow signal flashed like the lost Route 66 in Illinois. She looked around everything under the gray light of the precursor of dawn, and saw, at the other side of the road, a girl was standing, with bright red lips, blond hair, smoky eyes and gothic black funeral attire.

"Misa Amane-san?"

Misa Amane smiled at her for the last time; it was bright and genuine. With a drop of pearly tear that leaked from her eye with a trace of dark eye-liner, she vanished into the thin air. She left a trail of faint voice after her, "beautiful"

Life against Death

Human steadfastness against Shinigami's glare

Rebirth against Salvation.

She freed another unhappy soul.

She felt her heart again; it was warm, so warm it almost burned. She sunk on the street, knees bent, and palms together on her chest, she looked up at the faint gray sky. She couldn't force anything out of her mouth except for a thank you...

A gratuitous thank you for her life.

This was the purpose she was given the Life Note...

To be born again.

'It is said that in God's world...' a soothing male voice spoke from her back 'no prayer goes unheard... welcome back.' Yu stood up and turned around, a man with dark hairs and soft features was standing behind her, the man who gave Yu Misa's letter:

'Matsuda-san...' Yu, without any further ado jumped on him and embraced him gratuitously, 'thank you... thank you, for everything... ' Matsuda, initially startled, hugged her back, and patted her hair.

'What I exactly did?' he asked, to which Yu replied 'if it wasn't you coming with Amane-san's letter, I would have still been miserable... it was the greatest motivation of my life. My turning point.'

'Are you sure it's only you whose life changed?' Matsuda, letting Yu out of his embrace, 'you still aren't looking at the bigger picture... you two are so alike.'

'Me and who?' Yu asked

'You and Ryuuzaki of course... you are such great people but you cannot admit to others or yourself the good things about you... that is not humility you know, that's self-bullying. That's why you easily get stomped at...'

Suddenly Yu remembered her accident, the reason she was crashed.

'Where is he?' she asked with concern 'is he okay?'

'He is hiding... he is afraid of seeing your face...' Matsuda huffed, and seeing Yu's eager expression 'he's at the graveyard... near the statue.'

Yu ran again, the graveyard wasn't far away and she could easily find the statue, the one-wing angel statue. She stood in front of it, after looking around, and then called out for him.

'Ryu... I know you are out here somewhere...' Yu said, brimming with emotions 'I know you are out here somewhere... I feel it...'

Suddenly she saw a human silhouette moving towards her. It was him, the person she had died to save. Yu couldn't help but to smile quite sadly, as his droopy eyes widened and he slouchily walked towards her. Completely silent, the both of them had no idea how to respond to each other. So Yu extended her right hand, with her palm facing down. Ryu copied her; however, he did with his palm upward. Seeing Yu's reaction, he tried to scoot his hand under her palm, but she reversed it, and finally they straightened their hands and touched each other's fingertips, with extreme caution: as if their hand were made of delicate glass.

Yu could feel his hand shaking, even though they were only connected by fingertips: she could feel Ryu mustering all his courage to intertwine his fingers with her, but he couldn't for some uncertain reasons. Yu encouraged him by touching his locks of hair with her free hand, rolling them around her fingers. He gave an awkward smile and did the same with Yu. But then his delicate finger started to feel every contours of her face, side to side, up and down.

'Are you a dream?' he asked quietly

'No... Are you?' Yu asked.

'I am just a fragment of your dream... nothing more... nothing less. Without you, god knows what would have happened to me.'

'Same... You are the same to me.'

'Your face is warm' L quietly said.

'Your hands are cold.' Yu replied.

'From the moment I came out of the ground... a voice kept ringing in my head... it was' L could barely string the words 'inexplicable... like those dreams, which seem very... _real..._ at the time, but sort of fades when you wake up'

Yu looked at his sincere eyes.

'I tried to raise my voice to call anyone, but no sound came, I kept walking... kept walking, until I was at the edge, and I saw you... standing in the rain, and suddenly I found my voice... and then everything changed-' L sighed with a relieving manner 'now it all makes sense... it all makes sense... '

Yu desperately asked 'What?'

'You were always a part of me, my mind knew you as my first memory... hiding deep inside... I just didn't know how to find you' and what he was holding back he says it finally, 'I love you...' and pulled Yu into his arms.

Perhaps it was Yu who saw a familiar old man peering at them from a distance. She knew this man: this man was at the bus, the day she found Life Note; he was the cab driver when she took L to hospital; he was too that doctor who treated L.

'You... ' Yu broke free out of L's arms, 'how you-'

'I knew from the day I met you that you are a good person...' the old man said 'and you proved me right... the red thread has bound the two people.'

'Why did you give me the note?' Yu asked him, to which he only sighed sadly 'there are many deaths which are not timely, people die many times even when their work is not finished... not all can be reborn. Those who don't are trapped in their past, twisted in their sorrow. Not everyone can free them... I saw what you are and what you can do... you have freed many, my dear. I sincerely thank you for that.'

'Are you...' Yu asked 'are you a ghost too?'

'Yes... ' the old man said 'I was Quillish Wammy.'

With that name L ran towards him and tried to grab his hand, but he couldn't, he was only a shadow of a man.

'Watari?' L almost helplessly asked, 'it's you?'

'I am sorry master L, I am sorry for everything.' Watari said 'I never realised what I put on you when I detached you from her... I didn't realise what it did to you. I am so sorry... forgive me... I just wanted you to be happy, I wanted the best of you-'

'You did...' L said, 'you brought me her...' he gestured at Yu 'I couldn't be more happy. I forgive you earnestly.'

A ghostly tear leaked from his pudgy eyes, and he wiped them in such a way, both almost teared up. As the morning sun glowed in the east, Watari seemed fader and fader.

'Watari...' L chased the man, 'Watari wait... WAIT... DON'T LEAVE ME AGAIN... I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO WITH YOU... PLEASE COME BACK'

'I will be with you... Always' with the words, Watari completely vanished as the sun completely rose in the east. L sunk sadly on the ground.

Yu came at him, grabbed his shoulder compassionately and L grabbed her tiny hand like it was life support. They hopefully gazed at the morning sun with the hope of the good. There was light and brightness in both of their hearts. They had a long way to go; as people from dysfunctional families and circumstances can always go with the flow. They are barricaded by rocks. Even if they did not confess, or kiss or exchange passionate lines, they knew what they felt for each other, and that was their assurance.

* * *

 **That would be the end of the story. Thankyou for being here with me, and thanks for all the lovely reviews.**


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